England, it has been announced, are going to bid to host the World Cup in 2018. So begins the usual merry-go-round of political voting and more sniping and kissing up than you'd find in a Big Brother house. Much as a lot of countries will take it upon themselves over the next few months to lavish praise on the English game and say how terribly nice it would be if the country which gave the world football were allowed to host it's greatest competition again, when it all comes down to it, as the rugby lot confirmed a fortnight ago, everyone loves to beat the English. As long as we keep sweeping all before us in the Champions' League, our hopes are doomed - we're winning quite enough already for the democratic bureaucrats at FIFA Central Command.
Some of the stuff coming out about it is already fairly ridiculous - Mohammed bin Hammam, President of the Asian Football Confederation, has come out and said that he believes that "the World Cup belongs to all the 207 nations in the world and it is the right of every country to play it. I believe strongly that this is the time for Asia, not for Europe". That's a very honourable thing to be saying, Mohammed, but it would probably carry more weight if you hadn't talked up your own mob instead of citing some of the 207 countries that aren't from Europe or Asia. If you'd turned up extolling the virtues of playing the next World Cup finals in Vanuatu, you'd probably have more of a case, but as it is, I could do exactly the same thing as you by coming out and saying that the 2018 World Cup final should be staged in my shed.
All talk for fairness against favouritism dies on it's arse when you're doing it just so your mates can win. That and with the far east having already recently hosted a World Cup, China having only just packed off the Olympics and the Indian subcontinent so riddled with gunfire that the Indians can't even stage their Indian Premier League there for fear of being shot dead, it's hard to see precisely what Asian nation looks capable of hosting a World Cup in 2018. We could always go for Hong Kong, but that probably still has enough ties to Britain to get up the noses of the boo-boys, so that's probably out as well.
But why can't England host the World Cup? I know we have the Olympics fairly soon, but I think all of us have more than a sneaking suspicion that that's going to be more than a little bit shit. We know that the only thing most of Britain really gives a toss about is football, and we really do give quite a lot of toss, so why shouldn't we be hosting it's greatest competition? Everyone can get involved, and it's a fantastic way to get the British public united behind something again - we could even find a use for the Daily Mail and the BNP, as they've got figures to show FIFA saying that if Poland draw a resurgent Pakistan in the group stage, they'd pack out any ground in the country.
I know that most European countries see us as stuffy, arrogant pricks who swan around thinking we're better than everyone - even the Irish fans in the rugby a couple of weeks ago came out and said that beating England was worth 'more than life itself'. We are stupendously hated. The French are great cooks and greater lovers, the Germans have gone from efficient ruthlessness to ruthless efficiency, the Spanish and Italians are passionate, fiery and beautiful, and the British are tripe-munching snobs who are afraid of sex. None of this has anything to do with football and our stadia and infrastructure should speak for themselves, but such is the human condition that it does undoubtedly affect our chances - after all, when the cool kids in class are planning a party, they never want to have it at the nerdy kid's house, even if he does have a swimming pool.
That and there is the fact that, in domestic footballing terms, we are better than everyone else. We're sweeping all before us in the Champions League again, Manchester United won the World Club Championship and the European Super Cup this year already, and there is a general growing feeling around Europe that if there's one thing worse than someone who thinks they're better than everyone else, it's someone who is and knows it. Will we get the World Cup in 2018? Maybe, but I doubt it. I doubt we will ever see another tournament on these shores, despite our fantastic history and stadia, until we learn what the other voters would see as a bit of humility. But what they would see as a bit of humility - a few more losses in the Champions League, letting the French win occasionally - I would see as a surrender. Being the best at domestic football , not being the most humble and kissing the most backside, should be the road to bringing international football to your door. Why should we surrender?
Why, because we want to host the World Cup, of course. But you know what? Stuff them, and we will. Who's for another all-English final?
Some of the stuff coming out about it is already fairly ridiculous - Mohammed bin Hammam, President of the Asian Football Confederation, has come out and said that he believes that "the World Cup belongs to all the 207 nations in the world and it is the right of every country to play it. I believe strongly that this is the time for Asia, not for Europe". That's a very honourable thing to be saying, Mohammed, but it would probably carry more weight if you hadn't talked up your own mob instead of citing some of the 207 countries that aren't from Europe or Asia. If you'd turned up extolling the virtues of playing the next World Cup finals in Vanuatu, you'd probably have more of a case, but as it is, I could do exactly the same thing as you by coming out and saying that the 2018 World Cup final should be staged in my shed.
All talk for fairness against favouritism dies on it's arse when you're doing it just so your mates can win. That and with the far east having already recently hosted a World Cup, China having only just packed off the Olympics and the Indian subcontinent so riddled with gunfire that the Indians can't even stage their Indian Premier League there for fear of being shot dead, it's hard to see precisely what Asian nation looks capable of hosting a World Cup in 2018. We could always go for Hong Kong, but that probably still has enough ties to Britain to get up the noses of the boo-boys, so that's probably out as well.
But why can't England host the World Cup? I know we have the Olympics fairly soon, but I think all of us have more than a sneaking suspicion that that's going to be more than a little bit shit. We know that the only thing most of Britain really gives a toss about is football, and we really do give quite a lot of toss, so why shouldn't we be hosting it's greatest competition? Everyone can get involved, and it's a fantastic way to get the British public united behind something again - we could even find a use for the Daily Mail and the BNP, as they've got figures to show FIFA saying that if Poland draw a resurgent Pakistan in the group stage, they'd pack out any ground in the country.
I know that most European countries see us as stuffy, arrogant pricks who swan around thinking we're better than everyone - even the Irish fans in the rugby a couple of weeks ago came out and said that beating England was worth 'more than life itself'. We are stupendously hated. The French are great cooks and greater lovers, the Germans have gone from efficient ruthlessness to ruthless efficiency, the Spanish and Italians are passionate, fiery and beautiful, and the British are tripe-munching snobs who are afraid of sex. None of this has anything to do with football and our stadia and infrastructure should speak for themselves, but such is the human condition that it does undoubtedly affect our chances - after all, when the cool kids in class are planning a party, they never want to have it at the nerdy kid's house, even if he does have a swimming pool.
That and there is the fact that, in domestic footballing terms, we are better than everyone else. We're sweeping all before us in the Champions League again, Manchester United won the World Club Championship and the European Super Cup this year already, and there is a general growing feeling around Europe that if there's one thing worse than someone who thinks they're better than everyone else, it's someone who is and knows it. Will we get the World Cup in 2018? Maybe, but I doubt it. I doubt we will ever see another tournament on these shores, despite our fantastic history and stadia, until we learn what the other voters would see as a bit of humility. But what they would see as a bit of humility - a few more losses in the Champions League, letting the French win occasionally - I would see as a surrender. Being the best at domestic football , not being the most humble and kissing the most backside, should be the road to bringing international football to your door. Why should we surrender?
Why, because we want to host the World Cup, of course. But you know what? Stuff them, and we will. Who's for another all-English final?
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