India Sinks Pirate Mothership in Display of International Banginess

Alright, I was wrong. I was wrong, and the demon sunlight pouring through the window into my sleepy, hungover eyes is the brightest fucking thing in the whole universe. If I'm looking for a positive in this whole situation, other than the England win and the tanned retinas, it's that Jermain Defoe and Darren Bent proved once again that they are both completely incapable at international level. Oh, and Gabby Agbonlahor got a cap which means Nigeria and the Jocks can't have him, which is always a bonus, even if he never plays another game.

Elsewhere, Fabio Capello says he's delighted with his first year in charge, and who can blame him? The only really negative result was a 1 - 0 loss to France, but the finger for that can't really be pointed at him as most of the players were still under the impression they were playing for the ginger dickhead. Obviously Fabio hadn't gotten enough shouting in by that point, but he's now got that covered. Finally in terms of football news, Spurs have sacked their goalkeeping coach. An inevitability, really, seeing as he's managed in four short months to turn an £8m goalkeeper with a smattering of caps for the greatest footballing nation on earth into what can only be described as a flailing yellow octopus smothered in ghee.

In news not involving grown men in colourful shorts, the Indians have started shooting pirates. Given the apparent recent rise in incidents of piracy in the Indian ocean, operating largely out of what was once Somalia but is now a seething mass of war with borders shifting faster than a snake on a hot shovel, the Indians have apparently had enough and sent out a very large warship to blow them up. They, unsurprisingly, succeeded. Why India is having such great success while the patrolling UN vessels in the area are not shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone either - a UN mandate forbids them from firing on pirate vessels. Essentially, like in most conflicts into which they insist on sicking their blue-helmeted oar, the UN is there to watch. The Indians, however, are there to blow things up, which is an honourable and creditable new approach to the situation, which has escalated to the point of the BBC's map of piracy attacks descending into a sea of little red blobs.

That's about it from me, as I've got a busy day ahead, except for one last thing - I hate to comment on reality TV because it only fucking encourages them, but I've noticed a story about the new series of "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here" - one of the new contestants is Timmy Mallett. Timmy Mallett is not a celebrity, he's a bad punchline. I thought they were scraping the barrell with Carol Thatcher, but at least most of Britain's been waiting nearly 30 years to see a Thatcher eat dirt.

Goodnight.

Government Research Proves Children are Evil Little Shits

I think I'm losing my ability to get into the real meat of stories. I've never been one for real, proper journalism but I think I realised the problem was increasing when I came across 'Asian Officer Faces Assault Claim' and all I really took note of was just how much I'd probably have sex with the officer in question. Though in my defence, Parm Sandhu is quite the filly, as far as 44-year-old Chief Inspectors go. If it's between her and the bloke who played Burnside, I'm not going to kick her out of bed.

To avoid getting into the debate about why the media sees fit to point out her Asian-ness in a story that is otherwise completely devoid of relevance, I'm going to chalk the story up as another example of my shameful letchery and move on and shout at the police for something else - this time, the fact that according to new figures, only 49% of violent crimes in England and Wales have been solved. The government says this is because new rules say that officers cannot close cases as 'solved' just because no further action was taken, but I really don't see how that's good enough - someone, somewhere has still gotten away with punching someone in the face. You don't deserve a pat on the back just because it's easier to take the split lip than deal with nagging the police for three whole months just to get them to come and take a statement.

The shocking part is that this is just 49% of reported crime, rather than all crime. I know that the police can hardly be expected to act on crimes they don't know have taken place, but it does go some way to illustrating the size of the problem. Where I live being where I live, pretty much everyone I know - none of whom are anything close to a be-tracksuited 'hoodie youth' - has been assaulted by someone who is at least once. I have been in the unpleasant situation of seeing a young man I didn't know knee'd in the face by a 'hoody' at a bus stop in broad daylight for not giving up his skateboard. I sincerely doubt that was reported to the police, because it just isn't worth it. I don't mean to commit the internet blasphemy of trying to be 'edgy' and fully understand that part of being an adult is making your peace with the establishment, but they really cannot be bothered. I hope that this new way of not being able to fudge statistics will go some way to getting them to get something done instead of sitting on their arses and going home at five while the rest of the country turns into Lord of the Flies in tracksuit bottoms.

In related news, children's charity Barnardo's are throwing some sort of shitfit because half the people interviewed on a survey think that UK children are evil. That's because they are. They go on to say that the survey also said that about 54% of the adults questioned thought that British children were 'beginning to behave like animals', and that I have to disagree with - most animals don't kill for pleasure, but any teenager who owns more than three items of sportswear without actually playing a sport seems to be suddenly enveloped by an unstoppable bloodlust sated only by kicking a pensioner's tits off. I'm sorry, Barnardo's. I know you do good work and there are some cases out there where your ilk are truly needed, but you make your own position look rediculous when you try to defend the sort of feral evil roaming the British countryside in tracksuits and blindingly white trainers. It's really hard to see someone as misguided and in need of help and guidance while they're stabbing you in the kidneys for breathing in a disrespectful manner.

Still, let's not get too caught up in such seriousness. Let's look forward to our new hopeful horizons in the field of sport. That's the ones just barely visible behind the hulking, planet-eating behemoth of Germany in midweek, obviously, because they're quite clearly going to smash us into tiny pieces on Wednesday night. It's not that I don't think that England's best eleven couldn't beat Germany's best on a level playing field, because I do. It's because thanks to 27% injuries and 73% dubious cry-offs, what we're going to be putting out in a day's time is, apart from the intolerable John 'Uncharacteristic Mistake' Terry, a rag-tag bunch of children, has-beens, never-weres. Let's look at the treatment list: Steven Gerrard's out with a tweaked bollock, Frank Lampard's rib has snapped under the weight of his ego, Wayne Rooney's hair has started growing into his brain and Wes Brown has been diagnosed as terminally orange. On top of that, Rio Ferdinand is out with ugly, Joe Cole with smug, Emile Heskey has to stay at home 'cos his mum's not well and someone's got to feed the cat, Joe Hart isn't allowed out after 7 on a school night and I don't know what's wrong with Cashley Cole but I really, really hope it's a broken sense of self-worth. All we need is now is for David James to cry off with a dislocated face and the humiliation will be complete.

In their place, we've got the most useless bunch of shitkickers a world has ever seen outside the Montserrat second XI, and we're expecting them to go out and come back with another 5 - 1. Michael Mancienne, who's not kicked a Premiership ball in his life, which shouldn't be held against him because he's twelve, is included in the squad for no good reason, along with Jimmy Bullard, who's a Championship lumper at best, Joleon Lescott who's job must be to intimidate Miroslav Klose with his terrible noggin, and Jermain Defoe and Darren Bent, who for all their club form have proven themselves about as useful for England as taping your center halves to the goalposts. Throw in the fact Capello truly believes that Glen Johnson is the best right back in the land and you have a recipe for disaster. I'm actually quite glad I've got to be in the studio on wednesday night and won't get to see it - I'd only watch the whole thing through my fingers anyway.

In any case, I'm off. I've said too much already. What must you think of me?

Goodnight.

One Black President Doesn't Change the World

I surely can't be the only one to notice that the last few weeks have been absolute heaven for the types who make up for their considerable guilt at daring to be born white by patronisingly, and in the sort of voice usually reserved for talking to stupid children, pointing it out every time a minority does something new and exciting, like it came as something of a shock to them that a black man from Stevenage can drive quite well, or that there were a gang of white supremacists waiting with baited breath to tell the world how McClaren had fitted jet boosters to his car to defeat the superior Aryan driving skills of Kimi Raikonnen.

As a man who never thought that any given race was worse than any other at, well, racing, I didn't find Lewis Hamilton's Formula One World Championship win particularly historic. It's not as if there was ever a ban on black people racing Formula One cars and for years the likes of Hamilton had been yearning to get in and were being banned by Bernie Ecclestone somewhat confusingly marching up and down waving the British Bulldog around. Drivers from 14 different countries have won the title over the years. The title has at one time or another resided in 5 different continents, and we even let a Frenchman win it, four times. It's too global and too spread-out to be a racist sport - despite a few Spaniards in gorilla outfits - and race was never going to be an issue the minute a black driver with the quality and inclination to claim a race seat came along. Congratulations to Lewis on winning his title and making us all proud to feel British again, but there really wasn't anything truly historic in his being black and winning a Formula One title. No-one gave a toss what colour Juan Manuel Fangio was when he became the first South American to win the title. He was just good at driving, as is Lewis.

The US election is another area where people have gone completely overboard. Barack Obama ran as a Democratic candidate and swept through states which are either traditionally non-racist and Democrat-voting, or borderline states with a large black population. The talk of making history is even more insidious in this case because anywhere where attitudes would truly have to drastically change, they haven't. All the southern states as usual all voted for a conservative white bloke, the same way they've presumably voted since they chucked our lot out.

I know I should be caught up in the whole furore of 'hope and change' and perhaps being British and having lived through New Labour's breathy promises of things only getting better has jaded me against such supposedly historic talk, but I am finding it difficult to see how things have changed as much as people are making out - even if the traditionally progressive party and traditionally progressive states have elected a charismatic young black man President, they are the states I would have always expected to do so if the right candidate came along, and the states with the deep-rooted racist ties, the deep south, all voted for a man who's entire campaign was based around calling Obama a Muslim terrorist, and his Satan's Barbie-doll running mate who's idea of wholesome family entertainment is mowing down Caribou in an Apache Longbow.

The proof that nothing has truly changed is Obama's security budget, which must surely be more than the GDP of most central American states because of the sheer amount of maniacs still hiding in deepest Missisippi who still see the President-elect as a house black with ideas above his station. That's not making history. Talk to me about making history when the Republicans nominate Senator Snoop Dogg in 2012, on a joint platform with Queen Latifah.

Actually, I hope that never happens. I absolutely cannot stand that woman.

Goodnight.

The Room is Gently Spinning, But I Can Still See You're an Idiot

The trouble with home cooking is you have no-one else to blame when you poison yourself, especially if there's a lot of blame to go around. It's one thing to be slightly upset with yourself because that new idea for a sauce didn't turn out quite as well as you hoped, but believe me it's quite another to wake up the next day to find you've given yourself dysentery. Last night I dared to challenge the natural order of things by cooking Lancashire hotpot while having the sheer classless gall to not be from Manchester. The hotpot deities therefore felt I, as a lower life form, should be punished for my misdeeds and that is how I come to spend my Friday morning shivering, sweating and with my evening's entertainment in tatters, unable to go out lest I pebble-dash myself after one too many strenuous dance moves.

On the plus side, when my stomach isn't rolling over on itself like a manic butter-churn, the weakness and what can only be described as minor hallucinations beat most recreational drugs into a cocked hat. Honestly, I'm seeing so many movement trails and distorted words that if you, the casual drug user, happen to run out of your chemical of choice, you can eat some bad hotpot and trip the night away in between bouts of running back and forth from the toilet desperately hoping you won't shit yourself and have a thoroughly good evening for the price of some fancy beef stew a cheap pair of trousers.

But that's quite enough about my bowels, what about the news? Well, the British Association of Muslim Police has called for 'more Muslims in anti-terror units'. I don't see why. I thought that in this age of equality, it didn't matter which book the bloke snapping the cuffs on your wrists happens to follow, or whether or not he has a natty beard, and the only thing that really mattered was that he'd found your bomb and now you were going to prison. I always believed that it really shouldn't matter much to anyone whether your arresting officer is Saudi Arabian, your judge is Cantonese or your jury consists of eleven Cypriot transsexuals and a Bolivian goatherd, but apparently the BAMP (which is a phenomenally silly acronym, but I'm ill and I'm not typing out 'the British Association of Muslim Police' every time) say that it would be an 'invaluable head start' to have officers who have a 'religious, cultural or linguistic understanding' with suspects.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but these offenders' particular bent on religion focusses largely on blowing up everyone else's. Do we really want police officers that understand and identify with that mindset? Do we really need them? Is Superindendent Dal Badu, spokesman for NAMP, really any better at kicking in doors and slapping on cuffs than any white, black, brown or otherwise shaded police officer? What sort of outcry would there be if an argument was made that only white police officers should handle white supremacist suspects, because of 'greater cultural understanding'? Half of London would be on fire within the hour.

The police should not recognise culture. They should not recognise religion. They should recognise the law. The law doesn't care what colour you are or what books you like to read, it's there and you follow it, or some large men in flak vests will come and knee you in the face. That's just the way things are. I, being a good Jewish boy, have never gotten myself arrested, but if my rebellious bowels progress somehow into outright psychosis, I wouldn't expect I'd have the right to swan around doing precisely as I like because PC Ben-Tofer hasn't arrived yet and PCs Smith and N'Sungu don't have the delicate cultural understanding to know where the cuffs go.

In any case, that's all you're getting today. I need to go and explode violently all over the bathroom.

Goodnight.

Hypocricy, Or Why Jeremy Clarkson is Better than Russell Fucking Brand

BBC viewers seem to have gone sack mental at the moment. Any time anyone says something they don't like, they're now straight on the blower to BBC headquarters shouting about sackings and firings and rolling heads, all because the furore over Russell Brand and Jonathan Woss's phone call led to one of them resigning. Now Barbera Jaques from Milton Keynes thinks she can have Nigella Lawson sacked for showing too much leg while her husband was in the room.

Alright, so that didn't happen - as far as I know - but things are getting almost that silly. Today the BBC has been reporting that complaints about Jeremy Clarkson's joke about truck drivers murdering prostitutes should lead to his immediate sacking, birching and hanging from a tree. All I can think is that whoever filed these complaints must have really overdone the Ovaltine that day and got a little bit overexcited when the large lumpy man started telling jokes they didn't really like. Bollocks to them, I say.

But here comes the difficult part. "How", you may ask, "can you defend Jeremy Clarkson while condemning the actions of Russell Brand?". Which is a fair question. The answer, of course, is simple; I'm a hypocrite. I like Jeremy Clarkson and would be deeply unhappy if he was removed from BBC2, while I detest Russell Brand so much that I'd be in half a mind to support the return of Stalinism if it promised to get that insufferable troll doll off my television for a whole five minutes.

There is also the small matter of humour. What Clarkson said wasn't a particularly fantastic piece of humour, I'll admit, but it was at least worthy of a giggle. More so than a man telephoning a septegenarian to inform him what a good lay his granddaughter was, anyway. If Clarkson had been phoning up the families of murder victims to crack his jokes, I would perhaps see the point in condemning him, the same as if Russell Brand had simply made the joke in the studio rather than ringing people up to laugh openly about having sex with their granddaughter, I'd have dismissed it without comment in the same way I do all tediously 'kooky' people who are easily starved without the oxygen of attention. Clarkson has more talent than that. He is educated and verbose, and his boorish personality is set off by the fact he means no harm by it. When he says what he says, he is saying it for no reason other than to get a laugh; the adult equivalent of the class clown. Russell Brand said what he said merely to boast about his own supposed achievements. If Jeremy Clarkson did nothing but tell us about his best lap times, we'd all switch him off, but the whole point of Jeremy Clarkson is that he doesn't. He just acts like a boor on TV. It's not politically correct and it's likely not even his real opinion, but what it is is raucously funny. He pokes fun at nebulous groups of people with wildly over-the-top behaviour designed to make us smile, while Brand pokes fun at individuals purely to fuel his own enormous ego.

It's the difference between class clown and school bully. It's the difference between oafish buffoon and preening pretty-boy. Between jest and spite, joke and ego-stroke, stupid hair and... stupider hair. Anyone with half a modicum of intelligence knows that Jeremy Clarkson could not possibly be that profoundly oafish without actually turning into a Tory back-bencher, but spend five minutes watching Russell Brand insult people and you'll see that he means to be cruel with every jab. It's not being catty, it's not being an effeminate man-bitch for comic effect, it's just being a cunt to people.

BlandPoll: Election Coverage You Don't Care About

Republican 155 - 338 Democrat

04:54: So that's it, then. I can't say that Barack Obama is the best choice for my personal interests, but then again I can't say honestly that he isn't the best choice for America at this moment in time. I have a great distrust of his policies pertaining to Israel and the middle east, but have full faith in his ability to turn around the spiralling debts the US has dug itself into over the last 8 years of Republican rule. I'm not sure if it's the spectre of George W. Bush, the tiredness of McCain's 'straight shooter' schtick or the dead-eyed shark-grin of Sarah Palin, but the Republicans have lost a landslide here. People on every news report around the world are going crazy, and I'm going to bed. I hope anyone reading has enjoyed these updates, and enjoyed them more than the dry commentary supplied by everyone else.

Goodnight.

04:23: And so he does. McCain and Palin are now on stage, delivering their concession speech. I was going to be around until 6 this morning if things were going to be tight, but it looks like I'm going to get to bed earlier than expected tonight. Barack Obama is to be the next President of the United States of America.

04:22: McCain has at least taken his home state of Arizona. Now would be the time to graciously concede.

04:20: Obama also takes Florida, taking his total to 333. McCain must surely now come out and concede - there is absolutely no way he can win this thing, even if the projections for the powerful west coast states are all completely out of whack.

04:17: Obama takes Colorado, but it's not like any results matter from here on out - he already has double the electoral votes of John McCain with a now almost irrelevant number remaining. This has truly been a disaster for McCain, who must be looking back wondering exactly where it went wrong. Arguments will be made that Barack Obama has engineered a triumph of empty charisma over learned experience, but the fact is the Republicans should have learned from the mistakes of the Democrats in 2004, and realised that charisma wins votes.

04:06: What now for John McCain's campaign? It's not nailed on that he's lost - there could be a massive turnaround in uncompleted counts in many states that have been called for Obama - but any change in fortunes for him at this point seems unlikely. The man is 72, he would be 76 by the time 2012 rolls around and so he is unlikely to be the Republican to challenge the incumbent Barack Obama. Sarah Palin, too, is unlikely to be back because her value as a diverse candidate is vastly outweighed by her reputation as an insane beauty queen with a machine gun. The Republican party can now go one of two ways - return to it's recent core of conservative Christian values, which McCain played down in order to appeal to more centrist voters in a move which has clearly backfired spectacularly on the party, or press on with what McCain has tried to create, but be sure to remove the fundamentalist spectre of the Palin sort of Republican from public view come 2012.

04:00: I'm calling it, Barack Obama victory. He takes Virginia with around 98% of districts counted, and that means victory for the Democrats even if McCain does the impossible and overturns already-projected Obama victories in California, Washington, Hawaii and Oregon. McCain takes Idaho, but it's unlikely to be any sort of consolation prize. Democrats win, President Barack Obama is on the way. I expect McCain will be out within the half hour to concede the election.

03:57: The Virginia vote really must be going right to the wire given how long it's going on. McCain really needs to take the state, along with Florida, Indiana and North Carolina or he's dead in the water. I really expect him to concede if any of them fall to the Democrats, as it truly would doom his campaign.

03:53: There's now talk that McCain will soon emerge to speak to his supporters, and I'd be lying if I didn't say there's a chance he could concede. It might be less embarrassing to the party if he gives up now instead of seeing his credibility shattered in a landslide. On the other hand, the BBC is reporting that Republicans in Pennsylvania are keeping the faith until 100% of votes are counted.

03:49: I have to say I'm surprised. I thought like most people before the election that Obama would win, but I thought it would go to the wire. As it turns out, it looks like he's won the election almost without the help of California's massive 55 votes, and if he can win in Virginia and North Carolina, he could almost tie a bow around the Hollywood state and give it to McCain as a present and still comfortably take the Presidency. I hope all my doubts about Obama are misplaced and there is actually some depth to his promises of change, and I genuinely believe he wants to make things different, even if I don't agree with some of the things he likely wants to change. It looks like now we'll get to see what he was talking about.

03:46: Fox News of all places is now projecting an Obama win in Virginia, while other sources are also suggesting he's just barely ahead in extremely tight voting in North Carolina. If he takes both, McCain's campaign wouldn't just be over, it would be crushed. This could into an embarrassing landslide.

03:44: Somewhere in the mix I seem to have forgotten to mention that McCain is projected to take Nebraska. Oh well, he is. Sorry about that.

03:41: Some sources are now calling South Dakota for McCain. It's only 3 votes, just like it's northern brother, but as I've said before, McCain needs to win all of these low-scoring states to stand any chance of victory. He's now on 141.

03:38: There's now only 7 states that aren't at least counting - Alaska, Hawaii, California, Nevada, Idaho, Oregon and Washington. Get a move on, lads.

03:36: Should I consider Indiana a key state? It has 11 votes, and they have a result coming in soon, so I think I will, just so we have some excitement to keep me going. I also need to put the bins out, but I know as soon as I get up and do it all these remaining states are going to announce their results all at once.

03:33: Reuters is reporting that the Democrats in the Senate are going to fall short of their projected 60-seat super-majority, so not all is going entirely to plan. I'm sure they don't mind, however, as they head seemingly towards victory in all three major elections this evening.

03:31: There's a whole bunch of states with results expected in soon - North Carolina, Florida and Indiana must be gearing up to make their announcements. There's also Virginia, but I think we'll be waiting for their result until 2012.

03:28: McCain has taken North Dakota, upping the Republican total to 138. It's a small number of votes, but he's going to need to win every single state he has a chance in in order to win, so this is a little boost that keeps him in the race, for now.

03:24: The electoral college vs. popular vote debate is looking sure to rear it's head again, as McCain is less than 2% behind in the popular vote with 48.5% to Obama's 50.4%. With McCain likely to take more states than Obama from the remaining pool even if it doesn't secure him enough electoral college votes to win, it's an interesting situation - McCain could easily come out having won the popular vote but losing the election. American talk radio must already be sharpening it's tongues.

03:21: The Democrats are also holding strong leads in the Senate and House of Representatives races, at 52 - 36 and 143 - 87 respectively. Many Republicans are alledgedly already looking to these votes instead of the now-thought-lost Presidential race, but they seem unlikely to find any solace there, either.

03:14: If this is the way things are going to finish, I can't help but think that Sarah Palin may have torpedoed her own party's hopes. It may have been politically smart to go for a female Vice Presidential candidate to run against a black Presidential candidate, but Palin's ultra-right sensibilities have rubbed even her own party up the wrong way, and may have alienated voters in moderately Republican districts who identified with McCain's 'maverick', straight-shooting image, but were never going to back someone who's idea of entertainment is to fly over a forest in a helicopter firing a machine gun at game animals. Just like the Democrats and John Kerry four years ago, the losing party could well have hung themselves with bad candidate choices.

03:13: Where is that Virginia vote? We've been hanging on this for hours.

03:08: If any state, any state at all other than California and Hawaii sides with Obama, he wins. Unless it's Montana or South Dakota, in which case he'd need just one more. McCain really is hanging on by his fingertips now.

03:02: Obama has taken Iowa, who weren't even projecting partial results until they announced their result. Mopping up just one or two more other small states will likely push Obama past the post, regardless of the remaining key east coast states. Still no news from them, but McCain has taken Utah. It's unlikely to be a great comfort, as things are slipping away from him fast.

03:00: Virginia's 13 electoral college votes, plus Hawaii's 3, would push Obama past the winning post with California almost invariably voting Democrat. If Virginia goes to the Democrats, I'm calling it for Obama.

02:56: The Virginia result creeps ever closer, with approximately 75% of precincts now counted. With 13 electoral college votes, they can't quite decide everything on their own, but it's near as damnit. News coming in suggests McCain has taken Mississippi, taking him to 130, but he's going to need more.

02:54: The BBC have already subtlely called the election in favour of Obama by pointing out that Ohio has picked the winning candidate in every election since 1964. They've also announced that the Republicans have conceded the state.

02:50: Fun fact: Mathematically, if all results are correct, McCain now needs to win every remaining state except Democrat strongholds Hawaii and California to beat Obama to the winning post and take the election. On the other hand, Barack Obama need only garner 12 more electoral college votes from those same undecided states. That's either one battleground state or approximately two and a half smaller ones.

02:42: Something for McCain supporters to cling on to now as he finally breaks into three figures, with Republican stronghold Texas going as most predicted. That's 34 electoral college votes for McCain, but he really does need Florida, Virginia and North Carolina to stand any chance now. Also, even with those victories, any more losses in the central states could spell the end of his campaign.

02:41: The Virginia result can't be far away now. This one could decide it.

02:38: Barack Obama is now projected to win New Mexico. It's only 5 electoral votes, but it's taking away the vital points McCain needs to pick up from the low-vote-count, central states. I'd say he's now one big victory away from certain success.

02:33: Seven minutes later, I'm successfully drained, and McCain's won two states. Louisiana and West Virginia have sided with the Republican, but between them are only worth 14 votes - he needs Florida more than words could possibly express, and could need Virginia and North Carolina, too. If the Democrats take both, I'll be calling the 2008 US Presidential election for Obama.

02:26: Reports are coming in that Ohio has gone to the Democrats. That pretty much spells the end of John McCain's campaign, as it would now take a big switch in a major Democrat stronghold to earn him votes to beat Barack Obama to the winning post. Florida's still unannounced, but I'm going for a wee. I do hope there are no major historical events while I'm away.

02:14: To illustrate how important the remaining two east-coast swing states are, if Obama takes Florida he only needs to get Hawaii to vote Democrat - which they traditionally do - to pass the winning post barring a bizarre and unlikely swing by California. On the other hand, McCain needs to take Florida to stand any chance of matching Obama's total by the end of the election.It's a similar deal with Ohio, but Obama might need at least one other state as well as Hawaii to push him past the winning post if he takes Ohio but not Florida. It's more delicately poised than it looks, but not by much - this is make or break for McCain.

02:10: To go out on not too fragile a limb, we can assume at this point that Barack Obama has 230 guaranteed votes and John McCain has 110, factoring in California's likely vote for the Democrat and Texas' inevitable vote for the Republican. That and the winning post being 270 should give you some idea of the uphill battle being fought by the McCain/Palin campaign.

02:06: He's taken one of them, at least. Georgia has voted as predicted and given John McCain 15 more electoral college votes. It shows up the strangeness of this college system that a win in one state can be worth more than three others combined. The Republicans won't be complaining, though, as he's now less than 100 points behind for the first time in a while. He's now only 99 behind.

02:00: It's all off again, and now Barack Obama is within 100 votes of winning the 2008 US Presidential Election. He's taken New York and Rhode Island, as predicted, as well as Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan and Illinois. I expect he only really needs around 40 more votes from other states, given that I'd expect he's all but guaranteed to take California. McCain fights back by taking Kansas, Wyoming and North Dakota, but they're worth a measly 11 electoral college votes total. He needs to start winning big states, and maybe now needs to take all three big swing states to stay in the race.

01:54: Some news agencies are apparently calling Georgia for McCain. That would give the Republican 64 electoral college votes, and give him one of the key three I think he needs to win in order to give himself a decent run-in platform.

01:48: The last north-east stopout except Rhode Island. I really am sorry.

01:45: Partial results in for Ohio now, leaving New York as the only remaining north-east stop-out. If Ohio turns out to be as important as it has been in past elections, this could be key, but we still might not find out for a while which way it's gone - Florida's been on partial results for coming up to two hours.

01:43: They must have heard me. Partial results for Michigan now coming in, but nobody's yet sure which side it's gone to. At least they're trying.

01:39: No partial results, either, for the deciding state for the last two elections, the fine state of Ohio. Of the two big states left in the north-east, New York is almost certainly going for Obama, leaving Ohio the only key battleground in the north-east quarter, and they don't even have the decency to count faster. Also no partial results for Michigan, another big state close by.

01:32: The sweep begins. McCain has made ground up by taking Republican strongholds Arkansas and Alabama, a total of 15 votes, but we're still waiting on Florida, Georgia and Texas. If McCain can take two of those - and he probably will - he'll be doing OK. If he can take all three, he's right back in it. New York are still holding out on even partial results, so it seems Obama is staying on 103 for a while yet. I'd also completely forgotten Rhode Island. Sorry. They're holding out too.

01:26: Seems like things are calming down a bit over there. Now I can eat. Even so, with a number of traditionally Republican and big-scoring states declaring partial results, this could be McCain's chance to get back into it and set himself up with a decent total for the inevitable red sweep across the cheap middle states.

01:23: Another interesting fact to note - despite the huge gulf of electoral college votes, McCain is only 4% behind in the popular vote, with 47.5% to Obama's 51.7%. If the percentages for both measures stay roughly the same, we're going to hear the same awkward questions about the representative value of the electoral college as we heard last time out, only this time from the other side.

01:18: Partial results for the state of Texas are coming in. If the Lone Star State does as predicted and sides with McCain, the Republican will double his stake - the largest state by geographical area is also a huge state in the Electoral College, with 34 votes to cast. 34 votes that at this point would certainly make Mr. McCain's campaign look a great deal healthier.

01:15: BlandPoll, the only election coverage to include the words 'fuck', 'piss' and 'tits'. Intellectual election coverage from the internet.

01:12: It's all going tits-up for the Republicans so far in this election, they're losing everywhere: 103 - 34 in the Presidential election, 43 - 29 in the Senate vote, and 21 - 13 in the House of Representatives. If they've in any way managed to piss off their core voters in the central states, this could be something of a whitewash. Oh dear.

01:09: Full or partial results are in for everywhere along the east coast, all except New York. If Obama takes every state he's expected to down the eastern seaboard, he'll be more than halfway there, and will only need to pick up a smattering of central states to win, given that California, wielder of 55 precious electoral college votes, hasn't voted Republican since the age of the dinosaurs.

01:06: Everyone's favourite state you've never really heard of, New Jersey, goes to Obama, taking him past the treble-figures post and over a third of the way to winning the election. McCain's 'Straight Talk Air' plane has apparently landed and he's off to a party, but at the moment he might be more drinking to forget.

01:04: I can't even keep up with eating my sandwiches. Illinois has gone to Obama, and it looks like even though McCain took the small-potatoes prize of first into double figures, Obama might be the first into double.

01:02: Fucking hell, it's all kicking off now. Obama's torn into a huge eastern-seaboard fuelled lead, taking Connecticut, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Maryland, Delware and Washington D.C., while McCain has struck back with victories in the Republican heartlands of Tennessee and Oklahoma. Told you it would pick up.

00:59: An interesting fact to note is that 90% of the Twitter updates the BBC are mentioning are in support of Obama. This is probably a reflection of Obama's greater influence amongst young voters, but there's also a chance it's more reflective of his supposedly more intellectual, tech-savvy audience.

00:54: South Carolina goes to the Republicans, taking McCain into double figures and leaving Obama on 3. The early Democrat surge I was certain was going to appear is yet to take flight, but it's early days. They need to start picking up states, however, as the central states, while individually worth little, will likely become a valuable swathe of red as the night continues.

00:48: An important issue is resolved as I help myself to a cup of tea and a cheese sandwich. In other news, American news agencies are calling West Virginia for McCain. That wouldn't exactly go against predictions, but no confirmation has come through as yet. It's another small state, with 5 electoral college votes, though it would take McCain into double figures first. Not that that means anything.

00:37: Anybody reading my updates instead of any of the far more professional ones from, frankly any other proper news source, you're in luck, as I've just had a shedload of work dropped on me by a colleague, so it looks like I'm here for the duration. With it being 8-3 for the last 40 minutes, you might be starting to think this could be a slow crawl towards the key total of 270, but with many states carrying far more electoral college votes - California with 55, Texas with 34, for example - several key states, counted early, could decide this election quicker than you might expect.

00:30: Plenty of results expected in soon, with announcements from most of the eastern seaboard expected imminently, while polls are currently closing in West Virginia, North Carolina and Ohio, two key battlegrounds and the one state that gave both sides nightmares the last two times around. Hopefully we'll start to see the true pattern of the election emerging some time in the next hour, because I think I might have bitten off more than I can chew in promising to keep you updated all night.

00:26: The BBC's coverage is suggesting that, if the Democrats get the percentage of the Senate that it looks like they're heading for, they could pass any bill they like. That is, presumably, any bill they like that wouldn't lead to Pat Robertson steering a hurricane at them or, as the BBC suggests, Rush Limbaugh bursting into flames.

00:23: And they're off. The first results in the US Presidential election have started to come in, and at the moment John McCain is in the lead, though only because the one state he's taken is slightly larger than the one state Barack Obama has. Kentucky, land of bourbon and horses, is currently keeping the Republican ahead of his rival, who has Vermont, land of... something that isn't bourbon or horses. More results expected soon.

Nerds, Your Time is Now

There comes a time in every man's life when technology advances beyond what he grew up with to such an extent that the only way he can envisage anything being able to function in the frightening age which is his children's future is to imagine it all being held together by an over-class of nerds; deathly-pale protectors of all we hold dear, locking themselves in deadly combat with machines that only they know how to defeat, like The Terminator with bad skin.

My dad experienced this Nerd Singularity when I was about eight years old, back at what was probably the dawn of the computer age. He had been a roofer, and saw no place in his son's future for anyone who's only skill was physical labour. By 2010, all construction and repair work would be undertaken by machines, programmed and controlled by the aforementioned and all-powerful nerds. Buttons pressed in a control room would send a swarm of Star Trek-esque nanobots to swarm around what was once a raw pile of materials, turning it into a house, or a shed, or a car. Those salt-of-the-earth builders that would have once sat around drinking you out of house and home while one or two of them occasionally move a hammer from one side of the room to the other would be obsolete, or worse, turned into some sort of Soylent Green-esque paste to feed these slightly ominous building machines of the future.

So I reached for computers with great gusto - I learned everything I could, and perfected more techniques for illicitly viewing pixellated tits than I could possibly count. I spent a good portion of my early adolesence fixing mice and setting up web browsers for people for whom the computer age began some time the previous week. I was a whizz, a technological ace. I knew everything, and I had more porn than any other fourteen-year-old boy could possibly imagine. I was going to be part of this wonderful digital over-class, I was going to be rich and powerful, and spend my days lying under satin sheets with an array of beautiful women, reaching out from under the cashmere blankets to tap out the odd command on a backlit green keyboard.

But then it never happened. And that's a good thing, because once my forays into technology took me away from anything I could use to make easy money off of gullible teenagers, I was completely and utterly stumped. Programming eluded me, hard as I tried, presumably because as horribly socially inept as I am, I can actually sustain a conversation with a woman. Counter-Strike was a phenomenal amount of fun until it got taken over by 15-year-old boys with £50 mice and phenomenally stunted social skills. That was years ago, and I was starting to lose my grip on things then. Now, there are things coming out that frighten me. Roombas, for example, those little robot hoovers that drive themselves around and tidy the place up while you're away. They're terrifying. Even people just a few years younger than me probably think they're fantastic, that they'll never have to know the slap-faced tedium of the housework of their ancestors. I find the things horrifying, and can't get past the fact that one day, the little bastard is going to go all Skynet on us and trip me down the stairs. I, too, am fast approaching the Nerd Singularity, though I expect when I do finally cross over it will be so I can get my children to work out how to stop the video of the future flashing zeros forevermore.

A word of warning, however, before I finally slip across the threshold and find myself enveloped by the bafflement with this generation's technology that always embraces us in the end; don't go into it as a career. If you or your children are currently at the age where education starts to become more about choice than assemblies and P.E, don't think about choosing the path to being the latest genius whizz with all the latest technology. The sort of people that fall into this sort of job will do it naturally, and nothing you could possibly learn at school will prepare you for the sort of massive advancements that seem to come along every ten years or so, and by the time you finish your schooling in becoming the tip-top tech wizard you dreamed about a decade ago, you and your knowledge will be entirely obsolete, replaced by a new generation of whirring, bleeping technological abominations which given half a chance will kill you off for bio-fuel.

Try writing for people instead. The million robot monkeys haven't arrived yet.

Goodnight