I love MySpace, don't you? I just want to give it a big wet sloppy kiss right on the top of it's overly preened, overstylised teenage head. Never before has it been so easy to chat up impressionable teenage girls with while playing the adrenaline-fuelled game of 'Dodge the Unstoppable Embedded Fall Out Boy .mp3' - I never manage get past more than six profiles, but it's fun while it lasts.
But sometimes, the monumental stupidity of the residents of that domain far outweigh their hairstyles. If you, like me, are the friendly sort who is willing to talk to anyone who might cross your path and send you a message, you'll invariably have come across this: the thousand-friender. Those strange people who lack an external social life because they have forsaken it to spend every waking moment adjusting their hair, taking pictures for myspace, and adding innocent bystanders left right and center like some sort of smug, self-harming scattergun. To all you people out there who have the 14,752 friends, and in particular to the people who seem to think I'm going to be willing to join your embarrassingly-named myspace 'trains' - like the invite that tipped off this rant - I have only one thing to say:
Congratulations, You're Internet Popular.
You are positively, undeniably, unrenouncably the very top queen bee of a huge and powerful social elite. Of your own contrivance. On the internet.
If you want my opinion (and you should, I'm right), don't you think it would be a better idea to get up and go outside with your real friends, instead of propping up your flagging sense of self esteem with five-figure friends you never speak to? Seriously, there are people out there that will accept you for who you are, and you won't have to spend so much money on haircare products or batteries for your digital camera either. Giving up MySpace is liking giving up smoking - it's hard to break the habit, but it saves you money, will stop your real-life associates running away from you like you're a social pariah, and it will make you look like less of a pretentious faux-elite prick as well. Well, the last one only applies if you smoke cigarettes through one of those arty little tubes, but you get the idea.
Give up the act. You don't have 6,734 friends, you've just clicked 6,734 buttons. I don't care how many picture comments you have, I bet it's less than the amount of bulletins you've posted with the title 'pc4pc' (clue: everyone will look at your pictures. We aren't there for your god damn conversation about how Sandy said this or how Jenna OMG'ed at what Chuck from the football team said to her in the lunchroom). I don't want to talk to you through comments, it's two extra clicks that you aren't worth, and you're only doing it so you can boost your false sense of popularity by trying to say LOOK HOW MANY FRIENDS I HAVE to anyone who dares to click your profile, reducing my computer to a crawl and my scrollbar to a mere dot under the weight of nine thousand 'Thanx 4 the add!' graphics. Oh, and that 'Fantabulous//Elite' group you made and invited four thousand of your most pretentious friends to? It isn't elite. You are the internet equivalent of the nerdy kid in school who thought everyone would think he was cool if he called himself 'Spike'. Remember, kids, it doesnt make you cool if you have to do it yourself.
Get outside and have fun, guys. Spend the money you save on haircare products on beer and drink your social issues away like everybody else. You need to stop this incessant craving for internet popularity - it's false, it's contrived, and you're one short step away from baking us all friendship cookies.
But sometimes, the monumental stupidity of the residents of that domain far outweigh their hairstyles. If you, like me, are the friendly sort who is willing to talk to anyone who might cross your path and send you a message, you'll invariably have come across this: the thousand-friender. Those strange people who lack an external social life because they have forsaken it to spend every waking moment adjusting their hair, taking pictures for myspace, and adding innocent bystanders left right and center like some sort of smug, self-harming scattergun. To all you people out there who have the 14,752 friends, and in particular to the people who seem to think I'm going to be willing to join your embarrassingly-named myspace 'trains' - like the invite that tipped off this rant - I have only one thing to say:
Congratulations, You're Internet Popular.
You are positively, undeniably, unrenouncably the very top queen bee of a huge and powerful social elite. Of your own contrivance. On the internet.
If you want my opinion (and you should, I'm right), don't you think it would be a better idea to get up and go outside with your real friends, instead of propping up your flagging sense of self esteem with five-figure friends you never speak to? Seriously, there are people out there that will accept you for who you are, and you won't have to spend so much money on haircare products or batteries for your digital camera either. Giving up MySpace is liking giving up smoking - it's hard to break the habit, but it saves you money, will stop your real-life associates running away from you like you're a social pariah, and it will make you look like less of a pretentious faux-elite prick as well. Well, the last one only applies if you smoke cigarettes through one of those arty little tubes, but you get the idea.
Give up the act. You don't have 6,734 friends, you've just clicked 6,734 buttons. I don't care how many picture comments you have, I bet it's less than the amount of bulletins you've posted with the title 'pc4pc' (clue: everyone will look at your pictures. We aren't there for your god damn conversation about how Sandy said this or how Jenna OMG'ed at what Chuck from the football team said to her in the lunchroom). I don't want to talk to you through comments, it's two extra clicks that you aren't worth, and you're only doing it so you can boost your false sense of popularity by trying to say LOOK HOW MANY FRIENDS I HAVE to anyone who dares to click your profile, reducing my computer to a crawl and my scrollbar to a mere dot under the weight of nine thousand 'Thanx 4 the add!' graphics. Oh, and that 'Fantabulous//Elite' group you made and invited four thousand of your most pretentious friends to? It isn't elite. You are the internet equivalent of the nerdy kid in school who thought everyone would think he was cool if he called himself 'Spike'. Remember, kids, it doesnt make you cool if you have to do it yourself.
Get outside and have fun, guys. Spend the money you save on haircare products on beer and drink your social issues away like everybody else. You need to stop this incessant craving for internet popularity - it's false, it's contrived, and you're one short step away from baking us all friendship cookies.
No comments:
Post a Comment