That's right, folks, pucker up, brace yourself, strap yourself in if that's your thing, because I'm going to talk about porn in my very first post. You want to talk about porn? Good, you've come to the right place, because I'm talking about it. Yeah, I went there.
Do you remember the good old days of porn, when you could click links all day long and the worst thing you'd get would be the occasional 404 error? Those halcyon days of yore when the connection was slow but the titties were real? Do you remember that? I do. For a teenager, it was heaven at 56 kilobits a second. Then, like a turbo nuclear anthrax bomb falling onto a home for orphaned puppies, all that was blown apart. Suddenly, there was shemale porn, fat porn, granny porn and, occasionally, fat shemale granny porn. It was everywhere. No link was safe. The only thing we had left to cling to - other than our sore, chapped dicks with our sore, chapped hands - was that it would only be maybe one link in a hundred, meaning that even the most dedicated of our number would only encounter a dozen or so a week, that were easily closed and forgotten in a sea of... well, we won't go into what sort of sea it was, but it was a sea.
But recently, a new terror has emerged in the battle between innocent masturbators and the nasty, greasy-lensed-glasses-wearing side of the internet. A weapon from which there is no escape, as it now dominates almost one in three porn links (why yes, I did pull that figure out of my ass), often giving no hint of it's prescence until clicked on in it's full, disgustingly pointless and entirely unconvincing glory. A weapon so brazenly ludicrous that no amount of tasteful softcore can repel it. A weapon that acts like landmine, and yet spreads like a virus, consuming our galleries and our minds.
I am speaking, of course, of our pornographic Pearl Harbor:
The oversized rubber penis.
Like entirely unconvincing B-movie snakes, they wriggle their way into everyone's favourite porn stars and into everyone's favourite porn sites, slowly dominating the market as all other niches shy away from it's enormous plasticy girth. There must be answers to be found, somewhere. Some solution to save us from this rubber menace. This artificial growth of artificial growths is being funded by someone, and so I call on you, oh admirers of artificial penii, to justify yourselves before the disenfranchised fans of normal, decent pornography - at what point did you sit down and decide that the beautiful women before you were not enough for your $3.49 a week, and what you really wanted to see was women being penetrated from every conceivable angle with things that look like a cross between a hot dog chew toy and a badly milled curtain rail?
If the Republicans want a .xxx domain to keep children away from pornography, blasphemy and the DNC, I want a .giantrubberdick domain to keep you freaks away from me.
Do you remember the good old days of porn, when you could click links all day long and the worst thing you'd get would be the occasional 404 error? Those halcyon days of yore when the connection was slow but the titties were real? Do you remember that? I do. For a teenager, it was heaven at 56 kilobits a second. Then, like a turbo nuclear anthrax bomb falling onto a home for orphaned puppies, all that was blown apart. Suddenly, there was shemale porn, fat porn, granny porn and, occasionally, fat shemale granny porn. It was everywhere. No link was safe. The only thing we had left to cling to - other than our sore, chapped dicks with our sore, chapped hands - was that it would only be maybe one link in a hundred, meaning that even the most dedicated of our number would only encounter a dozen or so a week, that were easily closed and forgotten in a sea of... well, we won't go into what sort of sea it was, but it was a sea.
But recently, a new terror has emerged in the battle between innocent masturbators and the nasty, greasy-lensed-glasses-wearing side of the internet. A weapon from which there is no escape, as it now dominates almost one in three porn links (why yes, I did pull that figure out of my ass), often giving no hint of it's prescence until clicked on in it's full, disgustingly pointless and entirely unconvincing glory. A weapon so brazenly ludicrous that no amount of tasteful softcore can repel it. A weapon that acts like landmine, and yet spreads like a virus, consuming our galleries and our minds.
I am speaking, of course, of our pornographic Pearl Harbor:
The oversized rubber penis.
Like entirely unconvincing B-movie snakes, they wriggle their way into everyone's favourite porn stars and into everyone's favourite porn sites, slowly dominating the market as all other niches shy away from it's enormous plasticy girth. There must be answers to be found, somewhere. Some solution to save us from this rubber menace. This artificial growth of artificial growths is being funded by someone, and so I call on you, oh admirers of artificial penii, to justify yourselves before the disenfranchised fans of normal, decent pornography - at what point did you sit down and decide that the beautiful women before you were not enough for your $3.49 a week, and what you really wanted to see was women being penetrated from every conceivable angle with things that look like a cross between a hot dog chew toy and a badly milled curtain rail?
If the Republicans want a .xxx domain to keep children away from pornography, blasphemy and the DNC, I want a .giantrubberdick domain to keep you freaks away from me.
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