So, good readers, this is what it has come to. Does it annoy anyone else that when you're on your own at Christmas, whether you celebrate it or not, you're still bombarded with a constant diet of couples who are loved up, lost in each other's eyes and inevitably and unbearably wearing the kitsch his and hers socks that they bought for each other because they were sooo them. It's enough to drive a man to drink, and it has. I recommend Kopparberg pear cider for the temporary relief of all woes, worries and sucking chest-wounds of the soul, but if you don't have any, you could always try paint stripper or some antifreeze. At least it'll stop your insides getting all chilly on the off chance that we get a white Christmas. Alternatively you could paint some tipp-ex on all your windows, chuck some Dulux Mighty White all over your lawn and have a good old pretend. Just don't try making any snow angels in your new jacket. Or drink antifreeze, that was a stupid suggestion and I'm sorry, but not quite sorry enough to locate the backspace key in the dark. If you die, it's your own fault for not reading my personal woes to the very end. Suffer.
Anyway, the news. Do we have stories of lost puppies coming home for Christmas? Families reunited after hardship through the power of the Yuletide spirit? No, we've got children being shot in the face. Lovely. I woke up to this story on the radio this morning, which really made my Christmas let me tell you, and if ever there was a good and just reason for bringing back stoning, I think this is it. I'm not entirely sure what it is about the residents of south-east London that makes them think it's some sort of war-torn African republic instead of the capital city of a civilized country, but someone really needs to sort them out, and before any bleeding hearts cry racism, I don't give a toss what colour they are, they could be NWA, IRA, KKK or the WI for all I care, what troubles me is the fact they've got fucking guns. It's not that hard to process, even if you have been at the Sainsbury's 'Fair Trade' 'Four Times More Expensive But Some Farmer Somewhere Has a New Stick' brandy already at four o'clock in the afternoon. Sort it out, Brown, everyone hates you anyway, you're not going to tarnish a reputation you don't have by getting the police to do their jobs and nick the jumped-up wannabe Yardies that decided to use ranged weapons to ruin a family's Christmas. Softly-softly doesn't fucking work, get kicking doors in.
Next up, we have this idiot, who has decided that humanity will peak in the year 3000, and then will split off into a genetic 'super race' and a subspecies of squat little runts. Unsurprisingly enough, it was a study comissioned by that well-known and highly-respected source of genetic research, Bravo. Who's viewership, as far as I can tell, already consists of a subspecies of squat little runts, so perhaps they're just making themselves feel better. Quite why the BBC chose to report on a genetic study commissioned by a TV channel that, as far as I can see, consists entirely of short men in bad sunglasses homoerotically chasing down and rolling around on the floor cuddling other short men in bad sunglasses is frankly beyond me, but the research itself is frankly rediculous. Apparently, in 100,000 years' time, humanity will be split into tall, attractive, creative people and a bunch of fat hogs. Any resemblance between that and the average secondary school class is purely coincidental. Quotes like "men will look athletic and have squarer jaws... women develop lighter skin" have ever-so-slightly worrying overtones to Hitler's 'Ubermensch', and labour under the worrying impression that women with lighter skin are more attractive, and thus more likely to breed with the square-jawed Teutons who will be striding about the earth in the year 3050.
Someone, evidently, has never been to the beach on a hot day in Spain.
In other news, X-Factor contestants I'm not willing to name here for fear of further inflating their grotesquely distended hype glands have scooped both the album and single Christmas #1's. Truly a gift to musical innovation and creativity.
That's all for today, I'm going to get drunk. Merry Christmas. Try not to get shot.
Anyway, the news. Do we have stories of lost puppies coming home for Christmas? Families reunited after hardship through the power of the Yuletide spirit? No, we've got children being shot in the face. Lovely. I woke up to this story on the radio this morning, which really made my Christmas let me tell you, and if ever there was a good and just reason for bringing back stoning, I think this is it. I'm not entirely sure what it is about the residents of south-east London that makes them think it's some sort of war-torn African republic instead of the capital city of a civilized country, but someone really needs to sort them out, and before any bleeding hearts cry racism, I don't give a toss what colour they are, they could be NWA, IRA, KKK or the WI for all I care, what troubles me is the fact they've got fucking guns. It's not that hard to process, even if you have been at the Sainsbury's 'Fair Trade' 'Four Times More Expensive But Some Farmer Somewhere Has a New Stick' brandy already at four o'clock in the afternoon. Sort it out, Brown, everyone hates you anyway, you're not going to tarnish a reputation you don't have by getting the police to do their jobs and nick the jumped-up wannabe Yardies that decided to use ranged weapons to ruin a family's Christmas. Softly-softly doesn't fucking work, get kicking doors in.
Next up, we have this idiot, who has decided that humanity will peak in the year 3000, and then will split off into a genetic 'super race' and a subspecies of squat little runts. Unsurprisingly enough, it was a study comissioned by that well-known and highly-respected source of genetic research, Bravo. Who's viewership, as far as I can tell, already consists of a subspecies of squat little runts, so perhaps they're just making themselves feel better. Quite why the BBC chose to report on a genetic study commissioned by a TV channel that, as far as I can see, consists entirely of short men in bad sunglasses homoerotically chasing down and rolling around on the floor cuddling other short men in bad sunglasses is frankly beyond me, but the research itself is frankly rediculous. Apparently, in 100,000 years' time, humanity will be split into tall, attractive, creative people and a bunch of fat hogs. Any resemblance between that and the average secondary school class is purely coincidental. Quotes like "men will look athletic and have squarer jaws... women develop lighter skin" have ever-so-slightly worrying overtones to Hitler's 'Ubermensch', and labour under the worrying impression that women with lighter skin are more attractive, and thus more likely to breed with the square-jawed Teutons who will be striding about the earth in the year 3050.
Someone, evidently, has never been to the beach on a hot day in Spain.
In other news, X-Factor contestants I'm not willing to name here for fear of further inflating their grotesquely distended hype glands have scooped both the album and single Christmas #1's. Truly a gift to musical innovation and creativity.
That's all for today, I'm going to get drunk. Merry Christmas. Try not to get shot.
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