Welcome to the second half of my 2007 Shitcionary, the alphabetical list of everything that's wrong with the world. Unless, like me, you've started drinking for New Year already, you should be able to navigate most of the big words unless you're a thickie, or, also like me, you've had about three hours' sleep. Fuck me and I glad I wrote this yesterday and so only have to faff about with the introduction and conclusion this afternoon, because I'm knackered. Introduction and conclusion? It's like being back at school again. It's a blog entry, not a dissected frog. Anyway, let's move swiftly on to things I don't actually have to type...
N: 'Nuts' Magazine
Amusingly homoerotically-named Cosmopolitan for 'lads', which only goes to show just how shit 'lads' and being a 'lad' and reading 'lad mags' really is. That and is single-handedly responsible for the fame of Lucy Pinder, the music of Scrabble king Eric Prydz and the rise to power of the military junta in Myanmar. Alright, so maybe not, but it is really, really shit, and I bet they had something to do with it anyway. Maybe the military dictator currently oppressing millions of innocent Burmese in the troubled south-east Asian republic has, you know, really big tits.
O: Oranges, Chocolate
I'm going to go out on a limb here and state that I have never in my life encountered anyone who has willingly eaten a Terry's Chocolate Orange. Maybe it's Dawn French eating them all. I always see them on the shelves, particularly at Christmas, but nobody's ever eating them, and there's an extremely complex reason for this: They taste like my arse. Now, I don't know what my arse actually tastes like and have no desire to find out, but on a scale of pleasantness, I can't see it being a great deal worse than a Terry's Chocolate Orange, or any form of orangey chocolate for that matter - it's just two tastes that don't mix, like onion custard, or Russell Brand and comedy. Yet for some infathomable reason, Terry's, who's only product seems to be said chocolate oranges, seem to still have the advertising budget to plaster Dawn French all over my television every year, larding about and trying to convince me that I want to buy fruit-infested chocolate, because it will turn me into a lovely, bubbly, funny, morbidly obese ball of condescending fat.
P:
Everything that can possibly be filed under 'P' is shit, so specifying one individual item would in fact imply that everything else is less shit, which is not true.
Q: The Letter 'Q' (and Quails)
It's a completely pointless letter, nothing ever begins with it, except the word 'Queue', which just makes things worse. 'Quiet', 'Quite' and 'Quaint' do as well, but fuck it, we can easily rebrand those with Ks, and do we really need the actual word 'Queue' when a long, drawn-out scream generally gets the point across far better? I'm going to launch into a campaign for the rest of this post and refuse to use the letter 'Q' for anything. I bet nobody even notices, because it's not a real letter, it's a ploy invented by the government to throw people off when they're trying to compile humorous lists of things that are shit. Nothing actually tangible has a word that begins with 'Q', except Quails, and fuck them, the bunch of birdy shits.
R: Russell Brand
So much of a complete and utter fucking wanker that I feel compelled to mention him twice. Did anyone see him on the telly last night with Noel Fielding? (see also: Noel Fielding) He spent what seemed like seven hours completely justifying every ounce of my pure unadulterated hatred for his annoying little face. I hate him. My new year's resolution is to run him over with a bus. Hate hate hate hate hate.
S: Stereophonics
Every song you have ever made, ever, sounds exactly the fucking same. Please go away.
T:
Dear
U:
God
V:
I
W:
Can't
X:
Go
Y:
On.
Z: Zebras
Zebras? Cunts, more like.
N: 'Nuts' Magazine
Amusingly homoerotically-named Cosmopolitan for 'lads', which only goes to show just how shit 'lads' and being a 'lad' and reading 'lad mags' really is. That and is single-handedly responsible for the fame of Lucy Pinder, the music of Scrabble king Eric Prydz and the rise to power of the military junta in Myanmar. Alright, so maybe not, but it is really, really shit, and I bet they had something to do with it anyway. Maybe the military dictator currently oppressing millions of innocent Burmese in the troubled south-east Asian republic has, you know, really big tits.
O: Oranges, Chocolate
I'm going to go out on a limb here and state that I have never in my life encountered anyone who has willingly eaten a Terry's Chocolate Orange. Maybe it's Dawn French eating them all. I always see them on the shelves, particularly at Christmas, but nobody's ever eating them, and there's an extremely complex reason for this: They taste like my arse. Now, I don't know what my arse actually tastes like and have no desire to find out, but on a scale of pleasantness, I can't see it being a great deal worse than a Terry's Chocolate Orange, or any form of orangey chocolate for that matter - it's just two tastes that don't mix, like onion custard, or Russell Brand and comedy. Yet for some infathomable reason, Terry's, who's only product seems to be said chocolate oranges, seem to still have the advertising budget to plaster Dawn French all over my television every year, larding about and trying to convince me that I want to buy fruit-infested chocolate, because it will turn me into a lovely, bubbly, funny, morbidly obese ball of condescending fat.
P:
Everything that can possibly be filed under 'P' is shit, so specifying one individual item would in fact imply that everything else is less shit, which is not true.
Q: The Letter 'Q' (and Quails)
It's a completely pointless letter, nothing ever begins with it, except the word 'Queue', which just makes things worse. 'Quiet', 'Quite' and 'Quaint' do as well, but fuck it, we can easily rebrand those with Ks, and do we really need the actual word 'Queue' when a long, drawn-out scream generally gets the point across far better? I'm going to launch into a campaign for the rest of this post and refuse to use the letter 'Q' for anything. I bet nobody even notices, because it's not a real letter, it's a ploy invented by the government to throw people off when they're trying to compile humorous lists of things that are shit. Nothing actually tangible has a word that begins with 'Q', except Quails, and fuck them, the bunch of birdy shits.
R: Russell Brand
So much of a complete and utter fucking wanker that I feel compelled to mention him twice. Did anyone see him on the telly last night with Noel Fielding? (see also: Noel Fielding) He spent what seemed like seven hours completely justifying every ounce of my pure unadulterated hatred for his annoying little face. I hate him. My new year's resolution is to run him over with a bus. Hate hate hate hate hate.
S: Stereophonics
Every song you have ever made, ever, sounds exactly the fucking same. Please go away.
T:
Dear
U:
God
V:
I
W:
Can't
X:
Go
Y:
On.
Z: Zebras
Zebras? Cunts, more like.
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