I've just spent my afternoon, for my sins, watching two hours of 'Kerrang', and my conclusions are thus: Music has been stolen by teenagers. Squeaky-voiced effeminate men with perfectly-preened faux-hawks hurling themselves about to three-chord bollocks about love and relationships - what happened to the days when people wrote songs about getting drunk and pissing on the Alamo? Proper music, with guitar solos and singers with warts instead of eyeliner. Oh, and Linkin Park have become 'politically aware' - not properly aware, obviously, but 'aware' in that simperingly patronising Green Day way which amounts to sticking pictures of Mother Theresa in their music videos because, well, she looks a bit holy.
I was going to watch MTV as well, but after about twenty minutes of flicking through the listings I couldn't find one bit of actual music, just ream after ream of shit-awful reality TV. It could be worse, I suppose, it could be MTV Base, which as far as I can gather is a constant parade of ho-ownership oneupmanship on the part of some amusingly large men rather than anything approaching actual music. Not something I'd pay for, but someone must be paying an awful lot for it as they all seem to have enough jewellery to make Mr. T blush.
Oh no, they're playing Panic at the Disco again.
Anyway, now I've killed the television, we can move on to the news - there isn't any. None at all, not a single little bit. They've nicked the bloke that knifed those French students about five thousand times, but that's not really anything to laugh about, it's just a very bad story altogether. You can't get laughs out of mutilation.
Unless it's a waxwork, obviously, and it's one of Hitler, in Germany, which is probably the stupidest thing for Madame Tussauds to do as it decides to go global, seeing as a bloke got nicked, on the first day, for pulling it's head off. What the fuck Madame Tussauds were doing putting a waxwork of the man Germany is eternally ashamed of in their outlet aus Berlin is beyond me, unless they were going for some sort of 'Biggest Faux Pas in History' award, but I was just tickled by the method of defacement - he didn't chop the head off, he didn't just push it over and give it a good kicking, he just pulled it's head off. Give that man a medal.
Take the money for it out of the BBC's funds if they run one more story on the 'pregnant man' - it's not a man, it's a woman who had her tits lopped off and grew a beard, so it's less 'pregnant man' and more 'pregnant exceedingly ugly woman', which isn't quite the same thing, unless you're the BBC and you're desperate for something to keep the 'BodyShock' fans interested before the next series of babies born with an arm for a face.
Elsewhere, the Have Your Say lot are debating the idea that Britian should adopt certain aspects of Sharia law, and it's giving me a headache, because I'm starting to agree with them. It takes a truly stupid idea to unite me and the Have Your Say nutters, it really does, so the senior judge that suggested it really has made a brazen cock-up. If this passes I want my own laws as well, which means I can shoot your children then come round and do a shit on your telly. Tradition, you say? Mine is one of long standing - it's been going for all of five minutes. It's also worth bearing in mind that in some parts of the world it's traditional for boys of a certain age to be suspended from a pole on hooks pushed through their skin,in order to determine if they have become a man, and I don't think we need that sort of thing going on in Plaistow. Slough, maybe, but certainly nowhere remotely civilised.
Sport? Fuck all. Just tennis, tennis, tennis over and over until you want to kill yourself. The football's over for the summer and now it's time for a month of no good sport at all so we can all calm down in time to see Manchester United win everything again. It's not all bad, though, as Cristiano Ronaldo is having an operation on his ankle, and I suppose there's always a chance he'll die on the table.
Also, Amy Winehouse is starting to look vaguely attractive again. Still drinking, though, so at least she's a girl with good priorities. Heroin, kids, it makes you ugly.
Goodnight.
I was going to watch MTV as well, but after about twenty minutes of flicking through the listings I couldn't find one bit of actual music, just ream after ream of shit-awful reality TV. It could be worse, I suppose, it could be MTV Base, which as far as I can gather is a constant parade of ho-ownership oneupmanship on the part of some amusingly large men rather than anything approaching actual music. Not something I'd pay for, but someone must be paying an awful lot for it as they all seem to have enough jewellery to make Mr. T blush.
Oh no, they're playing Panic at the Disco again.
Anyway, now I've killed the television, we can move on to the news - there isn't any. None at all, not a single little bit. They've nicked the bloke that knifed those French students about five thousand times, but that's not really anything to laugh about, it's just a very bad story altogether. You can't get laughs out of mutilation.
Unless it's a waxwork, obviously, and it's one of Hitler, in Germany, which is probably the stupidest thing for Madame Tussauds to do as it decides to go global, seeing as a bloke got nicked, on the first day, for pulling it's head off. What the fuck Madame Tussauds were doing putting a waxwork of the man Germany is eternally ashamed of in their outlet aus Berlin is beyond me, unless they were going for some sort of 'Biggest Faux Pas in History' award, but I was just tickled by the method of defacement - he didn't chop the head off, he didn't just push it over and give it a good kicking, he just pulled it's head off. Give that man a medal.
Take the money for it out of the BBC's funds if they run one more story on the 'pregnant man' - it's not a man, it's a woman who had her tits lopped off and grew a beard, so it's less 'pregnant man' and more 'pregnant exceedingly ugly woman', which isn't quite the same thing, unless you're the BBC and you're desperate for something to keep the 'BodyShock' fans interested before the next series of babies born with an arm for a face.
Elsewhere, the Have Your Say lot are debating the idea that Britian should adopt certain aspects of Sharia law, and it's giving me a headache, because I'm starting to agree with them. It takes a truly stupid idea to unite me and the Have Your Say nutters, it really does, so the senior judge that suggested it really has made a brazen cock-up. If this passes I want my own laws as well, which means I can shoot your children then come round and do a shit on your telly. Tradition, you say? Mine is one of long standing - it's been going for all of five minutes. It's also worth bearing in mind that in some parts of the world it's traditional for boys of a certain age to be suspended from a pole on hooks pushed through their skin,in order to determine if they have become a man, and I don't think we need that sort of thing going on in Plaistow. Slough, maybe, but certainly nowhere remotely civilised.
Sport? Fuck all. Just tennis, tennis, tennis over and over until you want to kill yourself. The football's over for the summer and now it's time for a month of no good sport at all so we can all calm down in time to see Manchester United win everything again. It's not all bad, though, as Cristiano Ronaldo is having an operation on his ankle, and I suppose there's always a chance he'll die on the table.
Also, Amy Winehouse is starting to look vaguely attractive again. Still drinking, though, so at least she's a girl with good priorities. Heroin, kids, it makes you ugly.
Goodnight.
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