So Lewis Hamilton won the monsoon-struck British Grand Prix, and immediately dedicated the win to his family and disabled brother, who he said inspired him to win by saying he was "The Master of the Wet". That's a wonderfully human gesture and he deserves the win because he seems a thoroughly nice kid, and we've all been missing the human touch from Formula 1 after a decade of Schumacher winning everything for the Reich. There's a lot of people out there that hate Lewis Hamilton, but they're just sad old cunts that are bitter that they never got to race anything bigger than Scalextric, and should shut up and get back to quietly wanking themselves to sleep in a bath of their own tears. David Coulthard crashed out on the first lap of his final British Grand Prix, but he's won it twice so we can probably forgive him and let him move on from it and hope he gets a few more points before the end of his final season. Maybe one last podium for him before he retires, as I expect a win is a bit too much to ask.
The women of SW19 are happy as well, as Rafael Nadal won the battle of the biceps vs. the cardigans (no, not those Cardigans) against Roger Federer at Wimbledon - a damn sight happier than the men of SW19 were at having to watch the Williams sisters butch it out for another final. Call me cynical but tennis really isn't exciting enough on it's own to warrant that amount of squealing and jumping up and down from the crowd, and the huge backing for Nadal was doubtlessly due, in part, to him being a dusky musclebound Mediterranean called Rafael up against a slightly awkward-looking man called Roger who dresses like my grandad. I can't say I'm much better, though, as just about the only thing I noticed about the tennis was that Jelena Jankovic was quite pretty, until I realised that she's about fifteen feet tall and suddenly the idea wasn't quite so appealing.
In proper news, David Cameron has come out saying that anyone found carrying a knife should be jailed, which is a pretty big turnaround for a man who not two years ago was suggesting that we should hug them and give them lots of money. More than the money in our wallets, obviously, as they've probably taken that already, along with our phones and kidneys. Presumably Cameron is just trying very hard to gauge the mood of the nation so he can work out how to win the next election, which really shouldn't be difficult as all he has to do is not be Gordon Brown. Mr Grumpy himself has spoken up this week that we in Britain should 'stop wasting food' in order to avert an economic crisis in this country. Any suggestion that Mr Brown himself should 'stop fucking the country up' to avert an economic crisis would presumably be met with a lot of murmuring and a quiet and feeble admission that he's out of a job the minute any of us get a chance to vote because he's been such a useless feckless cunt that just about 90% of everyone is going to vote for the Tories.
The government is also continuing their frankly fucking stupid campaign to make children 'eat healthy' and are genuinely shocked at the fact kids are avoiding asparagus in the canteen and are just going to the local shop to buy a Mars bar instead. "This is not simply about children preferring junk food", they said. Yes it fucking is. Kids. Like. Chips. If you take chips out of the school canteens and replace them with 'Healthy Option Vegan Friendly Watercress Salad', no fucker is going to eat it. There'll be a queue right from the gates to the front door of the local chippie every lunchtime. You simply will not ever force kids to eat healthily unless you shackle them down and lob lettuce leaves down their gobs after you've prised their mouths open with a car jack. Why? Because junk food just tastes better. When we get older most of us realise we should eat healthier and start munching down on the occasional bag of onion salad with our vindaloo, but when you're a kid it's a constant onslaught of crisps, drink and cake, which is as it should be.
If you're looking for the nub of the obesity issue in this country, don't look at kids' diets, look at their activities - half the people I know who have kids don't want to let them outside 'in case of paedophiles' and so keep them indoors every non-school hour of the day. Maybe I just live in a quiet part of town but I used to be out playing football every night after school and not one of us ever got snatched by a man in a raincoat (except Steve's dad, and he was generally snatching Steve home for his tea). It doesn't matter how many crisps or fizzy drinks you eat if you burn off the energy they give you. Let the kids eat what they want and have government-mandated fun. Everyone's happy, and Jamie Oliver can stop pretending to be a Cockney and fuck off back to cocking Surrey.
Meanwhile, in Bristol, concerns have been raised about the clearing of scrubland by gay men that like to use the area for sex. Fuck off. If you want to have sex, with whoever you're planning on having sex with, find a flat, or a hotel - I couldn't count on both hands the amount of hotels around here that charge an hourly rate. The local gay and lesbian trust have said that clearing the scrubland is 'potentially discriminatory', though no mention is made of the fact not clearing it is clearly discriminatory to anyone who wants to go for a quiet walk late at night and not come across pale bouncing bottoms glistening in the moonlight. You do not have the right to have sex wherever you please contrary to the wishes of the general public, and if you do, I'm going to come and have a wank in your tea. If you try to stop me it's potentially discriminatory and I'll take you to court. And spunk on you.
I ought to do some entertainment news before I go, so here we are - The Osbournes are going to be back on telly with a new 'variety show' of 'music and comedy sketches'. Oh no. 'The Osbournes' itself definitely overstayed it's welcome and the concept of them trying to do comedy sketches is making me cringe already. Ozzy is obviously a hugely talented man and Kelly is still quite possibly the cutest, sexiest (bleurghhh - Ed.) thing ever to walk the earth, but apart from the big man himself, none of them have the slightest modicum of ability. I'd have thought we'd have all learned that when Kelly released an album.
Oh, and someone called in a bomb threat on the Big Brother house, but it was only a hoax.
Shame.
Goodnight.
The women of SW19 are happy as well, as Rafael Nadal won the battle of the biceps vs. the cardigans (no, not those Cardigans) against Roger Federer at Wimbledon - a damn sight happier than the men of SW19 were at having to watch the Williams sisters butch it out for another final. Call me cynical but tennis really isn't exciting enough on it's own to warrant that amount of squealing and jumping up and down from the crowd, and the huge backing for Nadal was doubtlessly due, in part, to him being a dusky musclebound Mediterranean called Rafael up against a slightly awkward-looking man called Roger who dresses like my grandad. I can't say I'm much better, though, as just about the only thing I noticed about the tennis was that Jelena Jankovic was quite pretty, until I realised that she's about fifteen feet tall and suddenly the idea wasn't quite so appealing.
In proper news, David Cameron has come out saying that anyone found carrying a knife should be jailed, which is a pretty big turnaround for a man who not two years ago was suggesting that we should hug them and give them lots of money. More than the money in our wallets, obviously, as they've probably taken that already, along with our phones and kidneys. Presumably Cameron is just trying very hard to gauge the mood of the nation so he can work out how to win the next election, which really shouldn't be difficult as all he has to do is not be Gordon Brown. Mr Grumpy himself has spoken up this week that we in Britain should 'stop wasting food' in order to avert an economic crisis in this country. Any suggestion that Mr Brown himself should 'stop fucking the country up' to avert an economic crisis would presumably be met with a lot of murmuring and a quiet and feeble admission that he's out of a job the minute any of us get a chance to vote because he's been such a useless feckless cunt that just about 90% of everyone is going to vote for the Tories.
The government is also continuing their frankly fucking stupid campaign to make children 'eat healthy' and are genuinely shocked at the fact kids are avoiding asparagus in the canteen and are just going to the local shop to buy a Mars bar instead. "This is not simply about children preferring junk food", they said. Yes it fucking is. Kids. Like. Chips. If you take chips out of the school canteens and replace them with 'Healthy Option Vegan Friendly Watercress Salad', no fucker is going to eat it. There'll be a queue right from the gates to the front door of the local chippie every lunchtime. You simply will not ever force kids to eat healthily unless you shackle them down and lob lettuce leaves down their gobs after you've prised their mouths open with a car jack. Why? Because junk food just tastes better. When we get older most of us realise we should eat healthier and start munching down on the occasional bag of onion salad with our vindaloo, but when you're a kid it's a constant onslaught of crisps, drink and cake, which is as it should be.
If you're looking for the nub of the obesity issue in this country, don't look at kids' diets, look at their activities - half the people I know who have kids don't want to let them outside 'in case of paedophiles' and so keep them indoors every non-school hour of the day. Maybe I just live in a quiet part of town but I used to be out playing football every night after school and not one of us ever got snatched by a man in a raincoat (except Steve's dad, and he was generally snatching Steve home for his tea). It doesn't matter how many crisps or fizzy drinks you eat if you burn off the energy they give you. Let the kids eat what they want and have government-mandated fun. Everyone's happy, and Jamie Oliver can stop pretending to be a Cockney and fuck off back to cocking Surrey.
Meanwhile, in Bristol, concerns have been raised about the clearing of scrubland by gay men that like to use the area for sex. Fuck off. If you want to have sex, with whoever you're planning on having sex with, find a flat, or a hotel - I couldn't count on both hands the amount of hotels around here that charge an hourly rate. The local gay and lesbian trust have said that clearing the scrubland is 'potentially discriminatory', though no mention is made of the fact not clearing it is clearly discriminatory to anyone who wants to go for a quiet walk late at night and not come across pale bouncing bottoms glistening in the moonlight. You do not have the right to have sex wherever you please contrary to the wishes of the general public, and if you do, I'm going to come and have a wank in your tea. If you try to stop me it's potentially discriminatory and I'll take you to court. And spunk on you.
I ought to do some entertainment news before I go, so here we are - The Osbournes are going to be back on telly with a new 'variety show' of 'music and comedy sketches'. Oh no. 'The Osbournes' itself definitely overstayed it's welcome and the concept of them trying to do comedy sketches is making me cringe already. Ozzy is obviously a hugely talented man and Kelly is still quite possibly the cutest, sexiest (bleurghhh - Ed.) thing ever to walk the earth, but apart from the big man himself, none of them have the slightest modicum of ability. I'd have thought we'd have all learned that when Kelly released an album.
Oh, and someone called in a bomb threat on the Big Brother house, but it was only a hoax.
Shame.
Goodnight.
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