Alright, I picked this story just for the headline, but scientists really have created a mutant lettuce. OK I admit that it's mutations only let it grow in the dry and it won't actually level Tokyo, but a mutant lettuce it genuinely is. It doesn't have adamantium claws or glowing red eyes and it doesn't even look a bit like Sir Ian McKellen, but we can't let this take away from what is clearly a massive scientific achievement, even if it quite probably was put together by a bunch of bored lab techs looking to create the shittest mutant ever, and this came in just ahead of Gary's slightly taller -than-average radish. Truly the days of a new scientific Renaissance are upon us.
As I mentioned yesterday, they've nicked the bloke they reckon stabbed those French students, then stabbed them some more, then set them on fire. They reckon the motivation for the attack was robbery, as their bank cards and a couple of games consoles were stolen, but the pathologist says there were no less than 243 seperate injuries on the two before they were set on fire, which seems a bit too much overkill just for stealing someone's Pokemon save. You really do have to be a special sort of nutter to do that sort of thing - see also the story of the east Yorkshire father killed and cut up by his son and dumped in a field. I know we're having a horrific swathe of knife crime in this country at the moment as all the 50 Cent wannabes try some sort of terribly violent oneupmanship as to who can maim the most pensioners, but it really does take a particularly extreme brand of insanity to take an axe to your own father, or stab a couple of Frenchmen 250 times just because you fancy stealing their PlayStation.
You also have to be a special, completely different, sort of nutter to go about in the sort of costumes they've been wearing at London's gay pride parade. Well, you don't, you just have to be gay. I say that in the nicest possible way, but I do often wonder if the more understated members of the gay community don't get embarrassed by the actions of the hotpanted minority; I'd certainly get a bit self-conscious if half my town were going around in giant wigs and spangly sunglasses. I only know one gay bloke and the reason I know him is because we play football together, and I can't imagine him having anything in common with the sort of people that dressed up for the parade - surely you can be proud of who you are when who you are is just a regular, normal guy that has sex with other regular normal guys, not some mass of glitter and spangles. Obviously there's nothing wrong with people expressing themselves, I just think it's a bit odd that everything has to go that over the top.
While we're on the topic of rediculous hair, I really ought to bring up James May. It was apparently reported that the Top Gear presenter wanted parity of wages with frontman Jeremy Clarkson, but that was, according to his agent, a lie. I can't really see it, to be honest, as surely May would know that he's not nearly as recognizable as Clarkson, who has been fronting the thing even when it was the old, shit Top Gear, the one that was actually sensible and reviewed Fiestas instead of driving Ferraris into walls and racing around America for no good reason - you know, boring telly.
Anyway, I hate to break it to you, but that's all that's happened today. It's raining and all the good news has gone inside. Formula 1's on in a bit, but Hamilton's in 4th and on very little fuel and probably won't win, and Coulthard's doing his last Silverstone so he'll probably just tour around waving at people. Jenson Button will also do his usual bout of fucking up and finishing last. We could cheer for Mark Webber, I suppose, he's on the front row and sort of British, being an Aussie. Come on, Mark!
Also, Kevin Keegan says he feels Joey Barton will 'become suicidal' if he is sacked by Newcastle - remind me again why we care one jot about that spiteful little thug? If you asked around my way you could probably even get a whip-round for the rope.
Goodnight.
As I mentioned yesterday, they've nicked the bloke they reckon stabbed those French students, then stabbed them some more, then set them on fire. They reckon the motivation for the attack was robbery, as their bank cards and a couple of games consoles were stolen, but the pathologist says there were no less than 243 seperate injuries on the two before they were set on fire, which seems a bit too much overkill just for stealing someone's Pokemon save. You really do have to be a special sort of nutter to do that sort of thing - see also the story of the east Yorkshire father killed and cut up by his son and dumped in a field. I know we're having a horrific swathe of knife crime in this country at the moment as all the 50 Cent wannabes try some sort of terribly violent oneupmanship as to who can maim the most pensioners, but it really does take a particularly extreme brand of insanity to take an axe to your own father, or stab a couple of Frenchmen 250 times just because you fancy stealing their PlayStation.
You also have to be a special, completely different, sort of nutter to go about in the sort of costumes they've been wearing at London's gay pride parade. Well, you don't, you just have to be gay. I say that in the nicest possible way, but I do often wonder if the more understated members of the gay community don't get embarrassed by the actions of the hotpanted minority; I'd certainly get a bit self-conscious if half my town were going around in giant wigs and spangly sunglasses. I only know one gay bloke and the reason I know him is because we play football together, and I can't imagine him having anything in common with the sort of people that dressed up for the parade - surely you can be proud of who you are when who you are is just a regular, normal guy that has sex with other regular normal guys, not some mass of glitter and spangles. Obviously there's nothing wrong with people expressing themselves, I just think it's a bit odd that everything has to go that over the top.
While we're on the topic of rediculous hair, I really ought to bring up James May. It was apparently reported that the Top Gear presenter wanted parity of wages with frontman Jeremy Clarkson, but that was, according to his agent, a lie. I can't really see it, to be honest, as surely May would know that he's not nearly as recognizable as Clarkson, who has been fronting the thing even when it was the old, shit Top Gear, the one that was actually sensible and reviewed Fiestas instead of driving Ferraris into walls and racing around America for no good reason - you know, boring telly.
Anyway, I hate to break it to you, but that's all that's happened today. It's raining and all the good news has gone inside. Formula 1's on in a bit, but Hamilton's in 4th and on very little fuel and probably won't win, and Coulthard's doing his last Silverstone so he'll probably just tour around waving at people. Jenson Button will also do his usual bout of fucking up and finishing last. We could cheer for Mark Webber, I suppose, he's on the front row and sort of British, being an Aussie. Come on, Mark!
Also, Kevin Keegan says he feels Joey Barton will 'become suicidal' if he is sacked by Newcastle - remind me again why we care one jot about that spiteful little thug? If you asked around my way you could probably even get a whip-round for the rope.
Goodnight.
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