I think I'm losing my ability to get into the real meat of stories. I've never been one for real, proper journalism but I think I realised the problem was increasing when I came across 'Asian Officer Faces Assault Claim' and all I really took note of was just how much I'd probably have sex with the officer in question. Though in my defence, Parm Sandhu is quite the filly, as far as 44-year-old Chief Inspectors go. If it's between her and the bloke who played Burnside, I'm not going to kick her out of bed.
To avoid getting into the debate about why the media sees fit to point out her Asian-ness in a story that is otherwise completely devoid of relevance, I'm going to chalk the story up as another example of my shameful letchery and move on and shout at the police for something else - this time, the fact that according to new figures, only 49% of violent crimes in England and Wales have been solved. The government says this is because new rules say that officers cannot close cases as 'solved' just because no further action was taken, but I really don't see how that's good enough - someone, somewhere has still gotten away with punching someone in the face. You don't deserve a pat on the back just because it's easier to take the split lip than deal with nagging the police for three whole months just to get them to come and take a statement.
The shocking part is that this is just 49% of reported crime, rather than all crime. I know that the police can hardly be expected to act on crimes they don't know have taken place, but it does go some way to illustrating the size of the problem. Where I live being where I live, pretty much everyone I know - none of whom are anything close to a be-tracksuited 'hoodie youth' - has been assaulted by someone who is at least once. I have been in the unpleasant situation of seeing a young man I didn't know knee'd in the face by a 'hoody' at a bus stop in broad daylight for not giving up his skateboard. I sincerely doubt that was reported to the police, because it just isn't worth it. I don't mean to commit the internet blasphemy of trying to be 'edgy' and fully understand that part of being an adult is making your peace with the establishment, but they really cannot be bothered. I hope that this new way of not being able to fudge statistics will go some way to getting them to get something done instead of sitting on their arses and going home at five while the rest of the country turns into Lord of the Flies in tracksuit bottoms.
In related news, children's charity Barnardo's are throwing some sort of shitfit because half the people interviewed on a survey think that UK children are evil. That's because they are. They go on to say that the survey also said that about 54% of the adults questioned thought that British children were 'beginning to behave like animals', and that I have to disagree with - most animals don't kill for pleasure, but any teenager who owns more than three items of sportswear without actually playing a sport seems to be suddenly enveloped by an unstoppable bloodlust sated only by kicking a pensioner's tits off. I'm sorry, Barnardo's. I know you do good work and there are some cases out there where your ilk are truly needed, but you make your own position look rediculous when you try to defend the sort of feral evil roaming the British countryside in tracksuits and blindingly white trainers. It's really hard to see someone as misguided and in need of help and guidance while they're stabbing you in the kidneys for breathing in a disrespectful manner.
Still, let's not get too caught up in such seriousness. Let's look forward to our new hopeful horizons in the field of sport. That's the ones just barely visible behind the hulking, planet-eating behemoth of Germany in midweek, obviously, because they're quite clearly going to smash us into tiny pieces on Wednesday night. It's not that I don't think that England's best eleven couldn't beat Germany's best on a level playing field, because I do. It's because thanks to 27% injuries and 73% dubious cry-offs, what we're going to be putting out in a day's time is, apart from the intolerable John 'Uncharacteristic Mistake' Terry, a rag-tag bunch of children, has-beens, never-weres. Let's look at the treatment list: Steven Gerrard's out with a tweaked bollock, Frank Lampard's rib has snapped under the weight of his ego, Wayne Rooney's hair has started growing into his brain and Wes Brown has been diagnosed as terminally orange. On top of that, Rio Ferdinand is out with ugly, Joe Cole with smug, Emile Heskey has to stay at home 'cos his mum's not well and someone's got to feed the cat, Joe Hart isn't allowed out after 7 on a school night and I don't know what's wrong with Cashley Cole but I really, really hope it's a broken sense of self-worth. All we need is now is for David James to cry off with a dislocated face and the humiliation will be complete.
In their place, we've got the most useless bunch of shitkickers a world has ever seen outside the Montserrat second XI, and we're expecting them to go out and come back with another 5 - 1. Michael Mancienne, who's not kicked a Premiership ball in his life, which shouldn't be held against him because he's twelve, is included in the squad for no good reason, along with Jimmy Bullard, who's a Championship lumper at best, Joleon Lescott who's job must be to intimidate Miroslav Klose with his terrible noggin, and Jermain Defoe and Darren Bent, who for all their club form have proven themselves about as useful for England as taping your center halves to the goalposts. Throw in the fact Capello truly believes that Glen Johnson is the best right back in the land and you have a recipe for disaster. I'm actually quite glad I've got to be in the studio on wednesday night and won't get to see it - I'd only watch the whole thing through my fingers anyway.
In any case, I'm off. I've said too much already. What must you think of me?
Goodnight.
To avoid getting into the debate about why the media sees fit to point out her Asian-ness in a story that is otherwise completely devoid of relevance, I'm going to chalk the story up as another example of my shameful letchery and move on and shout at the police for something else - this time, the fact that according to new figures, only 49% of violent crimes in England and Wales have been solved. The government says this is because new rules say that officers cannot close cases as 'solved' just because no further action was taken, but I really don't see how that's good enough - someone, somewhere has still gotten away with punching someone in the face. You don't deserve a pat on the back just because it's easier to take the split lip than deal with nagging the police for three whole months just to get them to come and take a statement.
The shocking part is that this is just 49% of reported crime, rather than all crime. I know that the police can hardly be expected to act on crimes they don't know have taken place, but it does go some way to illustrating the size of the problem. Where I live being where I live, pretty much everyone I know - none of whom are anything close to a be-tracksuited 'hoodie youth' - has been assaulted by someone who is at least once. I have been in the unpleasant situation of seeing a young man I didn't know knee'd in the face by a 'hoody' at a bus stop in broad daylight for not giving up his skateboard. I sincerely doubt that was reported to the police, because it just isn't worth it. I don't mean to commit the internet blasphemy of trying to be 'edgy' and fully understand that part of being an adult is making your peace with the establishment, but they really cannot be bothered. I hope that this new way of not being able to fudge statistics will go some way to getting them to get something done instead of sitting on their arses and going home at five while the rest of the country turns into Lord of the Flies in tracksuit bottoms.
In related news, children's charity Barnardo's are throwing some sort of shitfit because half the people interviewed on a survey think that UK children are evil. That's because they are. They go on to say that the survey also said that about 54% of the adults questioned thought that British children were 'beginning to behave like animals', and that I have to disagree with - most animals don't kill for pleasure, but any teenager who owns more than three items of sportswear without actually playing a sport seems to be suddenly enveloped by an unstoppable bloodlust sated only by kicking a pensioner's tits off. I'm sorry, Barnardo's. I know you do good work and there are some cases out there where your ilk are truly needed, but you make your own position look rediculous when you try to defend the sort of feral evil roaming the British countryside in tracksuits and blindingly white trainers. It's really hard to see someone as misguided and in need of help and guidance while they're stabbing you in the kidneys for breathing in a disrespectful manner.
Still, let's not get too caught up in such seriousness. Let's look forward to our new hopeful horizons in the field of sport. That's the ones just barely visible behind the hulking, planet-eating behemoth of Germany in midweek, obviously, because they're quite clearly going to smash us into tiny pieces on Wednesday night. It's not that I don't think that England's best eleven couldn't beat Germany's best on a level playing field, because I do. It's because thanks to 27% injuries and 73% dubious cry-offs, what we're going to be putting out in a day's time is, apart from the intolerable John 'Uncharacteristic Mistake' Terry, a rag-tag bunch of children, has-beens, never-weres. Let's look at the treatment list: Steven Gerrard's out with a tweaked bollock, Frank Lampard's rib has snapped under the weight of his ego, Wayne Rooney's hair has started growing into his brain and Wes Brown has been diagnosed as terminally orange. On top of that, Rio Ferdinand is out with ugly, Joe Cole with smug, Emile Heskey has to stay at home 'cos his mum's not well and someone's got to feed the cat, Joe Hart isn't allowed out after 7 on a school night and I don't know what's wrong with Cashley Cole but I really, really hope it's a broken sense of self-worth. All we need is now is for David James to cry off with a dislocated face and the humiliation will be complete.
In their place, we've got the most useless bunch of shitkickers a world has ever seen outside the Montserrat second XI, and we're expecting them to go out and come back with another 5 - 1. Michael Mancienne, who's not kicked a Premiership ball in his life, which shouldn't be held against him because he's twelve, is included in the squad for no good reason, along with Jimmy Bullard, who's a Championship lumper at best, Joleon Lescott who's job must be to intimidate Miroslav Klose with his terrible noggin, and Jermain Defoe and Darren Bent, who for all their club form have proven themselves about as useful for England as taping your center halves to the goalposts. Throw in the fact Capello truly believes that Glen Johnson is the best right back in the land and you have a recipe for disaster. I'm actually quite glad I've got to be in the studio on wednesday night and won't get to see it - I'd only watch the whole thing through my fingers anyway.
In any case, I'm off. I've said too much already. What must you think of me?
Goodnight.
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