Why is it that the minute you meet anyone for the first time, they almost instantly want to introduce you to other people? "Hi, I just want you to meet..." - I don't want to meet them. I've only just met you. I quite like you, and if I have to start factoring in people you just want me to meet, one of them is invariably going to turn out to be some sort of cunt and it's all going to go irreversibly downhill.
Anyway, so it turns out that the BBC want Gordon Brown to star in an Apprentice-style TV show entitled 'Junior PM'. Let's face it, that shouldn't be too much of a stretch, seeing as for years he's been politics' answer to Barry Chuckle and has recently branched out into showing all the intelligence and insight of a fucking Tweenie. A lesser man than me would make a comment about it not bringing the post of Prime Minister into disrepute as he's pretty much made a laughing stock of it since the first day he took over, but instead, in light of the description of the show as "Apprentice meets Maria/Strictly Come Dancing", I'm just going to let you all bask in the warm glow of the thought of Gordon Brown in a spangly one-piece singlet.
Moving on, I have to say that if there's one thing I love about the news, it's the fact that every now and then, regardless of all the work put in and millions of pounds spent by the Political Correctness lot on stamping out and destroying ethnic and national stereotypes, some fool will always find a way to undo all that good work and make a headline doing it. In the spirit of this sort of stupidity, I give you this - Aussie Straps in Beer, Not Child. A man from Alice Springs is fined $750 for driving with an unsecured 5-year-old child on the floor making room for the sturdily-secured crate of lager in the back seat.
You could only make it better if he'd got the beer propped up in a carry cot. A fine? Give the man a medal.
In other news, the army are in trouble for giving out free kit to schools in a bid to increase recruitment. Frankly even at 16 if you're stupid enough to decide that the best life for you is one of sand and being shot at, then you should be allowed to go and do it, or at the very least confined to an asylum for your own safety.
I understand peoples' fears that it will increase people's likelihood of signing up to go and be shot at by a bunch of nutters with Kalashnikovs, but if the normal reaction to someone giving you a cheap pair of underpants is an unwavering urge to bear arms against their enemies then you wouldn't be able to move on the high street for the twitching corpses of people fighting and dying for the opposing causes of Primark and Marks and Sparks.
Kids, the army is about going to shit places full of shit people and being shit scared of getting the shit blown out of you every shitting night. It's hardly Boys' fucking Own.
I'll end on a happy note, though - never mind the killings, the beatings, the muggings, the rapes and the generally all-consuming sea of teeming hate and violence, there's a big fuck-off bull in Somerset. It makes life worth living that there are still places in and around the UK where the biggest story of the day is a particularly big cow, and not some poor sod being kicked to death by a bunch of kids with mobile phones. I had a friend from Guernsey who nearly fainted in shock at the idea that shops on the mainland opened on Sundays - it's sweet, but if the Darrens ever become a seafaring tribe, they're fucked.
Incidentally, Guernsey's most pressing issue of the day is birdwatchers counting baby swallows.
Our one is some poor sod getting his throat slashed in broad daylight.
Goodnight.
Anyway, so it turns out that the BBC want Gordon Brown to star in an Apprentice-style TV show entitled 'Junior PM'. Let's face it, that shouldn't be too much of a stretch, seeing as for years he's been politics' answer to Barry Chuckle and has recently branched out into showing all the intelligence and insight of a fucking Tweenie. A lesser man than me would make a comment about it not bringing the post of Prime Minister into disrepute as he's pretty much made a laughing stock of it since the first day he took over, but instead, in light of the description of the show as "Apprentice meets Maria/Strictly Come Dancing", I'm just going to let you all bask in the warm glow of the thought of Gordon Brown in a spangly one-piece singlet.
Moving on, I have to say that if there's one thing I love about the news, it's the fact that every now and then, regardless of all the work put in and millions of pounds spent by the Political Correctness lot on stamping out and destroying ethnic and national stereotypes, some fool will always find a way to undo all that good work and make a headline doing it. In the spirit of this sort of stupidity, I give you this - Aussie Straps in Beer, Not Child. A man from Alice Springs is fined $750 for driving with an unsecured 5-year-old child on the floor making room for the sturdily-secured crate of lager in the back seat.
You could only make it better if he'd got the beer propped up in a carry cot. A fine? Give the man a medal.
In other news, the army are in trouble for giving out free kit to schools in a bid to increase recruitment. Frankly even at 16 if you're stupid enough to decide that the best life for you is one of sand and being shot at, then you should be allowed to go and do it, or at the very least confined to an asylum for your own safety.
I understand peoples' fears that it will increase people's likelihood of signing up to go and be shot at by a bunch of nutters with Kalashnikovs, but if the normal reaction to someone giving you a cheap pair of underpants is an unwavering urge to bear arms against their enemies then you wouldn't be able to move on the high street for the twitching corpses of people fighting and dying for the opposing causes of Primark and Marks and Sparks.
Kids, the army is about going to shit places full of shit people and being shit scared of getting the shit blown out of you every shitting night. It's hardly Boys' fucking Own.
I'll end on a happy note, though - never mind the killings, the beatings, the muggings, the rapes and the generally all-consuming sea of teeming hate and violence, there's a big fuck-off bull in Somerset. It makes life worth living that there are still places in and around the UK where the biggest story of the day is a particularly big cow, and not some poor sod being kicked to death by a bunch of kids with mobile phones. I had a friend from Guernsey who nearly fainted in shock at the idea that shops on the mainland opened on Sundays - it's sweet, but if the Darrens ever become a seafaring tribe, they're fucked.
Incidentally, Guernsey's most pressing issue of the day is birdwatchers counting baby swallows.
Our one is some poor sod getting his throat slashed in broad daylight.
Goodnight.
No comments:
Post a Comment