Right you bunch of unspeakable oafs, for some reason I still can't get onto blogger.com simply by typing 'http://www.blogger.com' as my browser seems to stick on 'Connecting' and I don't have the expertise to work out why. I have to go to google and type it in and click the link. Surely this works the same way?
Something to do with referrers I suppose. Oh well.
Anyway, those of you who pay your licence fee will be intimately aware of the BBC's dedication to producing fascinating, in-depth documentaries, creating entertaining comedy dramas and, most importantly, taking a hundred and forty quid off me each year for stating the bloody obvious. Spoilt children disrupt schools? I'd have never have guessed. Little tossers running riot because mummy never quite worked up the courage to tell them 'no' for fear of a four hour screaming fit is nothing new, I saw it, you probably saw it, it just happens. Give them a couple of years and they'll have the spoilt shite kicked out of them enough times by the kid who grew up being locked in a cupboard making up his dad's next hit of smack that they'll learn that no, they can't have the fucking toy and should sit down and do some work before Barry from D4 breaks their thumbs on the cross country trail. The report describes a woman who celebrated managing to get her 5 year old to go to bed at 1am instead of 3am (I have trouble staying up until 3am and I'm not a 5 year old - what sort of freak has this woman spawned? Lock the door). It also said some people would do "anything to shut up their children just to get some peace" - shout louder. You are bigger and have bigger lungs. Shout the little wankers down. No you can't have a fucking XBox, now roll my fags.
In entertainment, Pamela Anderson has continued her quest to marry and subsequently divorce every man who's ever been on television. I'm not entirely sure how a woman famous for running down a beach and a bloke known for shagging Paris Hilton (that would be just about everyone then - Ed) can have valid claims of celebrity, but anyone who can find legal grounds to file for divorce on the basis of fraud has to have had some sort of trainwreck of a marriage, even if it did last eight weeks - perhaps he's really a woman, or lied to her about his level of fame as she desperately seeks to maintain her own. More importantly, what sort of idiot gets married to someone and has it only last eight weeks? I thought it was something you did after you decided that no, you really do like this person quite a bit and think it would be a good idea to spend your lives with them, not a scheme to get a cheaper 'married' rate on a holiday to Hawaii.
Anyone reading this want to get married to a minor internet celebrity, mentioned on all the best automated internet aggregators and harbouring at least a slightly overblown sense of his own importance? Note: Must be blonde and have enormous tits.
If you don't fancy that, though, you could always go to Berkshire and get clobbered by a tent, after six people were treated for their injuries after being walloped by an escaping Big Top. One person caught up in the canvas catastrophe said "It all happened about 10 minutes before the five o'clock performance started. The tent was full of familes with young kids. "All of a sudden there was really loud thunder, heavy rain and hail and incredible gusts of wind that took the tent down. People were panicking and running everywhere as the tent came down." - bloody hell, I bet that's caused a few clown phobias and stimulated a few more - imagine rushing around under an inescapable mass of twisted canvas, turning a corner towards what you thought was the exit and being clobbered by an onrushing clown? You'd probably shit yourself and die right there.
Actually, this story isn't working out too well for jokes - I just can't top the comedy of six people being slapped around a bit by an escaped tent. I think I'm going to move on. The BBC must have been running low on stories, or just run by people with the intelligence of molluscs, because one of the front page stories on the BBC News website is... Snow. Yes, the most interesting story the BBC could drum up in England today was it was it was a bit chilly last night and in some places, - shockingly, catastrophically - it snowed. And some people took some pictures of it. I'm not sure who's worse - the BBC, for considering 'cold country occasionally has snow' to be a news story, or the people who have lives so empty that they have nothing better to do on a saturday morning but reach for the camera and send pictures of a bit of white stuff sitting on their car in to what is supposed to be a serious news website. Tossers.
Oh, and speaking of tossers, there's Cristiano Ronaldo. French team Lyon have been fined almost £3,000 for targetting the baby-faced cunt with a laser pen. That's a small price to pay for firing a laser at the smug little shit, isn't it? What price would I have to pay to hit the hairgelled tosspot with a brick in a sock? I'll start the bidding at five grand. And finally, it's the last Saturday Night Takeaway of the series tonight. Hopefully nothing heavy will fall on them before the next one, like a piano, or forty-seven tons of elephant shite. I'm just throwing ideas out there.
Oh, and this is the most attractive woman in the world. If you disagree, you're clearly the sort of unspeakable tosser who's wrong just for the sake of being wrong.
I love the internet.
Goodnight.
Edit: Suggs says that Bird's Eye Chicken Fillets are only ever 100% chicken breast. Much as I expected then. Are Sainsbury's Chicken Fillets 8% dog bollock? Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
Something to do with referrers I suppose. Oh well.
Anyway, those of you who pay your licence fee will be intimately aware of the BBC's dedication to producing fascinating, in-depth documentaries, creating entertaining comedy dramas and, most importantly, taking a hundred and forty quid off me each year for stating the bloody obvious. Spoilt children disrupt schools? I'd have never have guessed. Little tossers running riot because mummy never quite worked up the courage to tell them 'no' for fear of a four hour screaming fit is nothing new, I saw it, you probably saw it, it just happens. Give them a couple of years and they'll have the spoilt shite kicked out of them enough times by the kid who grew up being locked in a cupboard making up his dad's next hit of smack that they'll learn that no, they can't have the fucking toy and should sit down and do some work before Barry from D4 breaks their thumbs on the cross country trail. The report describes a woman who celebrated managing to get her 5 year old to go to bed at 1am instead of 3am (I have trouble staying up until 3am and I'm not a 5 year old - what sort of freak has this woman spawned? Lock the door). It also said some people would do "anything to shut up their children just to get some peace" - shout louder. You are bigger and have bigger lungs. Shout the little wankers down. No you can't have a fucking XBox, now roll my fags.
In entertainment, Pamela Anderson has continued her quest to marry and subsequently divorce every man who's ever been on television. I'm not entirely sure how a woman famous for running down a beach and a bloke known for shagging Paris Hilton (that would be just about everyone then - Ed) can have valid claims of celebrity, but anyone who can find legal grounds to file for divorce on the basis of fraud has to have had some sort of trainwreck of a marriage, even if it did last eight weeks - perhaps he's really a woman, or lied to her about his level of fame as she desperately seeks to maintain her own. More importantly, what sort of idiot gets married to someone and has it only last eight weeks? I thought it was something you did after you decided that no, you really do like this person quite a bit and think it would be a good idea to spend your lives with them, not a scheme to get a cheaper 'married' rate on a holiday to Hawaii.
Anyone reading this want to get married to a minor internet celebrity, mentioned on all the best automated internet aggregators and harbouring at least a slightly overblown sense of his own importance? Note: Must be blonde and have enormous tits.
If you don't fancy that, though, you could always go to Berkshire and get clobbered by a tent, after six people were treated for their injuries after being walloped by an escaping Big Top. One person caught up in the canvas catastrophe said "It all happened about 10 minutes before the five o'clock performance started. The tent was full of familes with young kids. "All of a sudden there was really loud thunder, heavy rain and hail and incredible gusts of wind that took the tent down. People were panicking and running everywhere as the tent came down." - bloody hell, I bet that's caused a few clown phobias and stimulated a few more - imagine rushing around under an inescapable mass of twisted canvas, turning a corner towards what you thought was the exit and being clobbered by an onrushing clown? You'd probably shit yourself and die right there.
Actually, this story isn't working out too well for jokes - I just can't top the comedy of six people being slapped around a bit by an escaped tent. I think I'm going to move on. The BBC must have been running low on stories, or just run by people with the intelligence of molluscs, because one of the front page stories on the BBC News website is... Snow. Yes, the most interesting story the BBC could drum up in England today was it was it was a bit chilly last night and in some places, - shockingly, catastrophically - it snowed. And some people took some pictures of it. I'm not sure who's worse - the BBC, for considering 'cold country occasionally has snow' to be a news story, or the people who have lives so empty that they have nothing better to do on a saturday morning but reach for the camera and send pictures of a bit of white stuff sitting on their car in to what is supposed to be a serious news website. Tossers.
Oh, and speaking of tossers, there's Cristiano Ronaldo. French team Lyon have been fined almost £3,000 for targetting the baby-faced cunt with a laser pen. That's a small price to pay for firing a laser at the smug little shit, isn't it? What price would I have to pay to hit the hairgelled tosspot with a brick in a sock? I'll start the bidding at five grand. And finally, it's the last Saturday Night Takeaway of the series tonight. Hopefully nothing heavy will fall on them before the next one, like a piano, or forty-seven tons of elephant shite. I'm just throwing ideas out there.
Oh, and this is the most attractive woman in the world. If you disagree, you're clearly the sort of unspeakable tosser who's wrong just for the sake of being wrong.
I love the internet.
Goodnight.
Edit: Suggs says that Bird's Eye Chicken Fillets are only ever 100% chicken breast. Much as I expected then. Are Sainsbury's Chicken Fillets 8% dog bollock? Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
No comments:
Post a Comment