I think I must be the only person completely mystified by the continuing furore over Holly Willoughby's outfits on 'Dancing on Ice'. I've never seen the programme because I don't want to be made into a gay, but I've googled the girl in question and all I can tell you is her figure is nothing spectacular and her face looks like it recently lost a fight with a shovel - have we fallen so far that the sight of an extraordinarily plain woman wearing a low-cut dress sends the nation's teenagers' underpants a-tenting? Come on, lads, there's the internet now - you can see proper tits on proper women, you don't have to put up with this pan-faced disaster.
But I digress. There is a bigger issue currently facing the nation. One that threatens the very fabric of our society in general and my sanity in particular. It is the term 'yummy mummy', which I can only presume is some attempt at a politically correct term for 'MILF'. It's been on TV, in magazines and in the newspaper, there are over 400,000 results for it on Google and it's driving me insane. Is Davina McCall a yummy mummy? I don't know, I personally think she's a shouty smack-laced tart, but if you think she's an attractive woman, then that's up to you - you're wrong, but it's up to you. The point is, the thing that attracts you to her is not likely to be the fact she has forced a screaming, vomiting child out of the gaping tatters of her nether regions, so the issue of her being a 'mummy' is neither here nor there in the unrelated issue of whether or not she is 'yummy'. Oh well, 'yummy' as a term for 'attractive' would be annoying in itself were it not for the fact it's something Leslie Phillips probably says on a regular basis, and that therefore makes it manly and cool. Ding dong. Admittedly the term 'MILF' also contains the odd detail that the woman in question has proved herself capable of producing children, which is probably the second least erotic act the human body is capable of just after vomiting lager through the nose, but at least it has the decency to not pussy-foot around the fact you want to give them a good shunting.
Anyway, before this becomes too much like a proper blog and less like the irreverent view of the news that I like to think it is, let's move swiftly on. It's taken them five years, but someone involved with the inner workings of Downing Street have finally worked out that the Iraq War was the result of a distinct lack of thought. Thousands dead on all sides and the near-total condemnation and exclusion of the international community just to impress Big George, and it still took half a decade for anyone anywhere close to power to work out that it was a bad idea and was probably a decision that should have taken a little more thought. I suppose it's quicker than it's taken everyone else to realise that New Labour were in fact nothing like they promised to be, and were in fact a lot like the Old Tories. Ah well, thanks to David Cameron's cynical "I have a disabled child and that means you should vote for me" exploitation of his child's unfortunate condition, it looks like we're going to get to see just what the New Conservatives are like - my money is on them being just like the Old Tories, which gives us a fantastic amount of choice. Anything's better than the BNP, though, and with them increasingly seeming to gain council seats mostly in the north of the country, Cameron's experience in dealing with people with mental difficulties could yet come in useful.
Hopefully, he'll also be able to silence the slavering pack of idiots that continue to demand that the 'murder simulation' game Manhunt 2 be banned. It's had it's UK release ban lifted this week and will be hitting shelves soon, and there's a certain amount of people that seem to think this will coincide with a massive rise in brutal murders up and down the country. You know, the same sort of mindless scaremongering that preceded video nasties, Black Sabbath and, probably, the Christian religion they all seem to cite as the reason behind their pursuit of outlawing everything fun, which I'm sure the Pagans in Britain claimed was going to result in murdered babies the length and breadth of the land as well. In other news, the Glasweigans involved in foiling the failed terrorist attack on Glasgow Airport last year have gotten into a bit of a spat over which one gave them the best shoeing - John Smeaton, who did his bit by punching a suspected terrorist in the face, has been accused of being a 'fake' by Alex McIlveen, who tore a tendon in his foot while kicking another suspect until the police arrived. Personally, I think they should settle it with a proper scrap, with the winner awarded some sort of prize, like a punching bag with a beard on it.
In entertainment, 'Duffy' has now been at number 1 in the UK charts for four weeks with 'Mercy', which is an amazing achievement for an ugly woman with a stupid name that can't sing. Her album, 'Rockferry', is also at number 1 in the charts. Now I've been to Rockferry, it's crap and why anyone would write a song about it, let alone name an album after it, is beyond me. But then again I'm not a boring Welsh bitch unjustifiably famous for no good reason, so it's quite possible it just isn't my field.
Oh, and the Palestinians in Gaza are kicking up another fuss about 'feeling like prisoners in an open prison' over the Israeli blockade on supplies. Cry more.
Goodnight.
Edit: I've just been channel-flicking and came across the end of the final of 'Dancing on Ice', and, unsurprisingly, the vote has gone to the one with the biggest tits. Thank you, Britain, for restoring my faith in your ability to vote based on the issues that matter.
But I digress. There is a bigger issue currently facing the nation. One that threatens the very fabric of our society in general and my sanity in particular. It is the term 'yummy mummy', which I can only presume is some attempt at a politically correct term for 'MILF'. It's been on TV, in magazines and in the newspaper, there are over 400,000 results for it on Google and it's driving me insane. Is Davina McCall a yummy mummy? I don't know, I personally think she's a shouty smack-laced tart, but if you think she's an attractive woman, then that's up to you - you're wrong, but it's up to you. The point is, the thing that attracts you to her is not likely to be the fact she has forced a screaming, vomiting child out of the gaping tatters of her nether regions, so the issue of her being a 'mummy' is neither here nor there in the unrelated issue of whether or not she is 'yummy'. Oh well, 'yummy' as a term for 'attractive' would be annoying in itself were it not for the fact it's something Leslie Phillips probably says on a regular basis, and that therefore makes it manly and cool. Ding dong. Admittedly the term 'MILF' also contains the odd detail that the woman in question has proved herself capable of producing children, which is probably the second least erotic act the human body is capable of just after vomiting lager through the nose, but at least it has the decency to not pussy-foot around the fact you want to give them a good shunting.
Anyway, before this becomes too much like a proper blog and less like the irreverent view of the news that I like to think it is, let's move swiftly on. It's taken them five years, but someone involved with the inner workings of Downing Street have finally worked out that the Iraq War was the result of a distinct lack of thought. Thousands dead on all sides and the near-total condemnation and exclusion of the international community just to impress Big George, and it still took half a decade for anyone anywhere close to power to work out that it was a bad idea and was probably a decision that should have taken a little more thought. I suppose it's quicker than it's taken everyone else to realise that New Labour were in fact nothing like they promised to be, and were in fact a lot like the Old Tories. Ah well, thanks to David Cameron's cynical "I have a disabled child and that means you should vote for me" exploitation of his child's unfortunate condition, it looks like we're going to get to see just what the New Conservatives are like - my money is on them being just like the Old Tories, which gives us a fantastic amount of choice. Anything's better than the BNP, though, and with them increasingly seeming to gain council seats mostly in the north of the country, Cameron's experience in dealing with people with mental difficulties could yet come in useful.
Hopefully, he'll also be able to silence the slavering pack of idiots that continue to demand that the 'murder simulation' game Manhunt 2 be banned. It's had it's UK release ban lifted this week and will be hitting shelves soon, and there's a certain amount of people that seem to think this will coincide with a massive rise in brutal murders up and down the country. You know, the same sort of mindless scaremongering that preceded video nasties, Black Sabbath and, probably, the Christian religion they all seem to cite as the reason behind their pursuit of outlawing everything fun, which I'm sure the Pagans in Britain claimed was going to result in murdered babies the length and breadth of the land as well. In other news, the Glasweigans involved in foiling the failed terrorist attack on Glasgow Airport last year have gotten into a bit of a spat over which one gave them the best shoeing - John Smeaton, who did his bit by punching a suspected terrorist in the face, has been accused of being a 'fake' by Alex McIlveen, who tore a tendon in his foot while kicking another suspect until the police arrived. Personally, I think they should settle it with a proper scrap, with the winner awarded some sort of prize, like a punching bag with a beard on it.
In entertainment, 'Duffy' has now been at number 1 in the UK charts for four weeks with 'Mercy', which is an amazing achievement for an ugly woman with a stupid name that can't sing. Her album, 'Rockferry', is also at number 1 in the charts. Now I've been to Rockferry, it's crap and why anyone would write a song about it, let alone name an album after it, is beyond me. But then again I'm not a boring Welsh bitch unjustifiably famous for no good reason, so it's quite possible it just isn't my field.
Oh, and the Palestinians in Gaza are kicking up another fuss about 'feeling like prisoners in an open prison' over the Israeli blockade on supplies. Cry more.
Goodnight.
Edit: I've just been channel-flicking and came across the end of the final of 'Dancing on Ice', and, unsurprisingly, the vote has gone to the one with the biggest tits. Thank you, Britain, for restoring my faith in your ability to vote based on the issues that matter.
1 comment:
Speaking of issues that matter, what about the language barrier, and its solution via Esperanto?
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