You know, it never ceases to amaze me, the amount of dedicated terror that Fox News presenters put in to every single day. Every single story they have seems to contain the line 'authorities have ruled out terrorism', regardless of whether there was any possibility of terrorism being involved in the first place - if a building explodes, a plane's wings fall off mid-flight or you see a turban made of semtex found in a dustbin you might just have cause for concern, but if you assume terror until informed otherwise every time someone crashes a car, a pensioner falls over or it gets a bit nippy outside, you're going to have pissed yourself rigid by lunchtime.
Still, I suppose we're always eager to point the blame at a convenient target, regardless of how irrelevant that target might be - Robert Mugabe is fast becoming a master at it. If I see one more story about him blaming Britain for his own shortcomings I'm going to go over there and stab him with a sharpened chip fork. Yes the scourge of colonialism was a terrible evil and a blight on our history, but it can't possibly be more to blame for your inability to win an election even when you have troops with batons waiting to hit opposition voters in the crotch the minute they come out of the voting booths. Honestly, if you go out to swing and election and still manage to lose, that has to be a surefire sign that you really ought to give up. Or release another speech about the evils of Britain and how we're to blame for everything from the drought currently blighting Zimbabwe to the faintly bitter taste in Mugabe's morning coffee. Sometimes you really ought to look at your speeches and realise that you're making yourself out to be a twat, and do something about it. OK, so I do it too, and I post them anyway, but nothing I say has as yet ended in a violent political demonstration, unless I'm somehow grossly underestimating my own political importance: That 'largest student protest in the UK ever' thing took place in Manchester around about the same time I started this blog, but I slept through it and had no idea what it was about. Thank fuck they never found me, eh?
Still, if you're looking to blame anyone for anything, you might want to pick one of the Matthews family, but I'll warn you, they're running out of people who aren't guilty of at least something, like some strange cross between a really shit Mafia and the sort of hick family you always see in American B-movies chopping up good-looking teens with power tools. This particular one is guilty of posession of child pornography (I don't care if he hasn't gone to trial yet, it's not like you can accidentally stumble into downloading hundreds of images of kiddie porn - the Daily Express also showed it's caveman-like grasp of computer expertise by claiming it was 'hidden behind a reality TV screensaver', but I think I've covered that already so I won't do it again here) and has now been questioned about being involved in the faked disappearance of the Shannonbeast as well, which I must say adds a much more sinister spin on the whole thing. I still think the whole business is absolutely rediculous though, you couldn't make half of it up. A woman with eight kids by five different fathers by the age of 32 conspires with her 22-year-old child pornographer boyfriend and his petty criminal relatives to fake the kidnap of her 9-year-old daughter in order to get money out of the McCanns, a family who have become mega-rich celebrities on the back of a marketing campaign about losing their daughter to a plate of tapas. You couldn't make it up. It's hard to know who to blame really, them for being so pathetically criminal and stupid, or the McCanns for establishing child disappearance as a viable business model.
Sometimes, though, blame does need to be pointed, even if it is with a very tiny hand. That's the last joke on the subject, I promise, as people living with the effects of thalidomide have far too much on their plates already without one more internet numpty pointing and laughing at them, and to be perfectly honest it isn't very funny anyway, merely faintly ludicrous. It does make you wonder what sort of drug trials they had back in the 1950s, and whether you could just bring any old shit to market with a fancy box and a convincing tagline and have people buy it. Hopefully things have improved by now, or I'm going to bring out my Awesomene line of products, made in my garden shed out of piss and Listerene. The most galling part is that the company behind the creation of the product are denying all responsibility and claiming they don't see why they should have to pay out compensation to the victims - honestly, any time you cause anyone to be born without arms, you really should put your hands up and give the poor bastards some money, anything else is just cruel. When you cause 100,000 people to suffer similar fates, you really ought to cough up a bit of cash and a very grovelling apology. Cocks.
Anyway, to conclude, speaking of cocks, Enoch Powell. The BBC is running a story on Powell's 'rivers of blood' legacy which is sure to drive the Have Your Say twonks 'round the twist. The funny thing is, if you actually read the speech and things that Powell came out with surrounding the speech, it's remarkably similar to the rediculous crap the BNP spouts now. It's been 40 years since Powell claimed that within two decades blacks would outnumber and enslave white people in Britain and, after twice as much time as he said it would take, we have the current generation of the racist right claiming the same thing. It's interesting to see how long these folk devils have existed for, and that the basic fearmongering never changes. 20 years ago we were supposed to be overrun by black immigrants from Kenya and elsewhere, whereas now we're 20 years from being supposedly overrun by Muslim extremists from Pakistan and the middle east. Mass immigration has always been to blame, but for all the foreign hordes the far right would have you believe were pouring in from all sides, we don't have much to show for the better part of half a century of 'open floodgates', do we? I suppose if the likes of Powell and the BNP only showed up once every 20 years like a bad Hollywood haunting it'd be alright, but no, they insist on sticking around and bleating that racial subjegation is coming, no really, right around the corner. Just a few more years. You just wait. Drives you up the bloody wall, doesn't it?
Anyway, all this talk of immigrants makes me fancy a curry.
Goodnight.
Still, I suppose we're always eager to point the blame at a convenient target, regardless of how irrelevant that target might be - Robert Mugabe is fast becoming a master at it. If I see one more story about him blaming Britain for his own shortcomings I'm going to go over there and stab him with a sharpened chip fork. Yes the scourge of colonialism was a terrible evil and a blight on our history, but it can't possibly be more to blame for your inability to win an election even when you have troops with batons waiting to hit opposition voters in the crotch the minute they come out of the voting booths. Honestly, if you go out to swing and election and still manage to lose, that has to be a surefire sign that you really ought to give up. Or release another speech about the evils of Britain and how we're to blame for everything from the drought currently blighting Zimbabwe to the faintly bitter taste in Mugabe's morning coffee. Sometimes you really ought to look at your speeches and realise that you're making yourself out to be a twat, and do something about it. OK, so I do it too, and I post them anyway, but nothing I say has as yet ended in a violent political demonstration, unless I'm somehow grossly underestimating my own political importance: That 'largest student protest in the UK ever' thing took place in Manchester around about the same time I started this blog, but I slept through it and had no idea what it was about. Thank fuck they never found me, eh?
Still, if you're looking to blame anyone for anything, you might want to pick one of the Matthews family, but I'll warn you, they're running out of people who aren't guilty of at least something, like some strange cross between a really shit Mafia and the sort of hick family you always see in American B-movies chopping up good-looking teens with power tools. This particular one is guilty of posession of child pornography (I don't care if he hasn't gone to trial yet, it's not like you can accidentally stumble into downloading hundreds of images of kiddie porn - the Daily Express also showed it's caveman-like grasp of computer expertise by claiming it was 'hidden behind a reality TV screensaver', but I think I've covered that already so I won't do it again here) and has now been questioned about being involved in the faked disappearance of the Shannonbeast as well, which I must say adds a much more sinister spin on the whole thing. I still think the whole business is absolutely rediculous though, you couldn't make half of it up. A woman with eight kids by five different fathers by the age of 32 conspires with her 22-year-old child pornographer boyfriend and his petty criminal relatives to fake the kidnap of her 9-year-old daughter in order to get money out of the McCanns, a family who have become mega-rich celebrities on the back of a marketing campaign about losing their daughter to a plate of tapas. You couldn't make it up. It's hard to know who to blame really, them for being so pathetically criminal and stupid, or the McCanns for establishing child disappearance as a viable business model.
Sometimes, though, blame does need to be pointed, even if it is with a very tiny hand. That's the last joke on the subject, I promise, as people living with the effects of thalidomide have far too much on their plates already without one more internet numpty pointing and laughing at them, and to be perfectly honest it isn't very funny anyway, merely faintly ludicrous. It does make you wonder what sort of drug trials they had back in the 1950s, and whether you could just bring any old shit to market with a fancy box and a convincing tagline and have people buy it. Hopefully things have improved by now, or I'm going to bring out my Awesomene line of products, made in my garden shed out of piss and Listerene. The most galling part is that the company behind the creation of the product are denying all responsibility and claiming they don't see why they should have to pay out compensation to the victims - honestly, any time you cause anyone to be born without arms, you really should put your hands up and give the poor bastards some money, anything else is just cruel. When you cause 100,000 people to suffer similar fates, you really ought to cough up a bit of cash and a very grovelling apology. Cocks.
Anyway, to conclude, speaking of cocks, Enoch Powell. The BBC is running a story on Powell's 'rivers of blood' legacy which is sure to drive the Have Your Say twonks 'round the twist. The funny thing is, if you actually read the speech and things that Powell came out with surrounding the speech, it's remarkably similar to the rediculous crap the BNP spouts now. It's been 40 years since Powell claimed that within two decades blacks would outnumber and enslave white people in Britain and, after twice as much time as he said it would take, we have the current generation of the racist right claiming the same thing. It's interesting to see how long these folk devils have existed for, and that the basic fearmongering never changes. 20 years ago we were supposed to be overrun by black immigrants from Kenya and elsewhere, whereas now we're 20 years from being supposedly overrun by Muslim extremists from Pakistan and the middle east. Mass immigration has always been to blame, but for all the foreign hordes the far right would have you believe were pouring in from all sides, we don't have much to show for the better part of half a century of 'open floodgates', do we? I suppose if the likes of Powell and the BNP only showed up once every 20 years like a bad Hollywood haunting it'd be alright, but no, they insist on sticking around and bleating that racial subjegation is coming, no really, right around the corner. Just a few more years. You just wait. Drives you up the bloody wall, doesn't it?
Anyway, all this talk of immigrants makes me fancy a curry.
Goodnight.
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