Bloody hell, isn't anybody sensible anymore? Not people who put leaflets through doors, anyway. There's local elections coming up and I've been getting the usual reams of tat through my letterbox trying to get me to vote this way or that, and not one of them has been even in the least bit sensible. Page after page of sensationalist shite has been dropping through my letterbox like political turds out of a wood-effect arsehole, and if nothing else is going to be giving the binmen a bit of a struggle come next tuesday as they have to haul away six and a half tons of barely legible bollocks. As usual, the BNP have been doing their blackshirt marches up and down the street cramming ludicrous filth through my letterbox telling me to hate anyone with a bit of a suntan, but with this election coming up I've got the other side trying to barrack me into voting their way as well: Stop the Fascist BNP, screams the purple leaflet I've got through my door, apparently from Unite Against Fascism. It's sad that I can't expect people in my street to not vote BNP without the other side resorting to sensationalist tactics and clogging up my bin as well - surely the BNP's literature does a good enough job of undermining any possible expectation anyone could have of them being a sensible political party - 'MUSLIM EXTREMISTS ARE COMING TO YOUR TOWN'? I don't think they are, mate. Are the Klingons coming as well?
Still, it's nice to know we have democracy when we have idiots like this running the country. Gordon Brown says he's 'standing firm' on his economic decisions - well done you rediculous shit. You stand firm and do all your 'strong national leader' posturing while still being too piss scared to call a general election you know you're going to lose, and in the mean time all of us will sit around and not have any fucking money. All of this makes me think that whoever he had as his personal secretary when he was Chancellor must have been bloody terrific, keeping this man's insanely poor grasp of how to keep a country afloat under wraps enough for him to not only maintain his position in the party, but actually become leader of the entire bloody country. I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be rooting for David "Call Me Dave" Cameron and his Hug a Hoodie mob to take over, but I'd rather have him beatboxing through the Commons than five more years of Gordon Brown pissing green alien bile all over the country. I'd rather have anyone, in fact - well, except that lardy Bond villain the BNP have in charge. That fat, greasy one-eyed maniac is probably the best advert for British fascism that us normals could possibly wish for, but he could probably still run a country better than Brown if he didn't want to kill fucking everyone.
Still, Brown can take heart from the fact he's not the only moron in government - Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has decided that the best way to promote inter-cultural tolerance and discussion is to recruit 300 new 'terror police' who's job will be, presumably, to kick in people's doors and occasionally shoot a Brazilian. Surely we have enough detectives investigating terrorism already, without getting uniformed officers going around calling themselves the 'terror police' searching anyone caught wilfully wearing a beard? We seem to be doing fairly well at the whole preventing-terror thing without alienating people further by recruiting hundreds of new police officers with special training that amounts to the phrase "Even though you're a muslim, we really hope you don't bomb us" in five or six languages, amusingly none of them Arabic and two of them in different dialects of German. Now I'm not saying that there aren't people in Britain who are plotting terrorist attacks, to say so would be incredibly naive, but this is not the way to go about tackling them. We already have undercover officers infiltrating terror plots before they can come to fruition, and the thing we need to do now is surely to talk to people in the street instead of training up a new uniformed force with a name straight out of a particularly bad comic book. 'Terror Police' indeed. What's next, 'Beard Patrol'? 'Multicultural Police Strike Force'? 'Rediculous Knee-Jerk Decision Sentinels'?
Neither of the above are as stupid as the couple in my next story - more powerful, so they can cause more damage with the stupidity they have, but not nearly as rediculously backward as to get themselves wiped out by a train because they were too busy having a domestic to realise they were doing it on a main railway line. I know in the heat of the moment you can lose your awareness of where you are and sometimes you might end up screaming at each other in Tescos over which brand of frozen mash medallions to buy while everyone else in the store looks at you like you're completely fucking insane as you pelt each other with packets of Magnums, but if the 13.37 to Liverpool Street was hurtling towards your face at 80 miles an hour, honking it's horn for all it's worth, I think you'd realise and fucking move out of the fucking way. It's a train. It doesn't care about your arguments, it doesn't care how much you never thought he'd lie to you, it doesn't give a shit who he's been calling late at night while you're asleep after a hard day of talking to your friends... it's just a fucking train. Don't get in it's way as it weighs for million tons and if it hits you it will hurt. The argument can wait, even if just for the minute or so it takes to pass by. Bloody hell. Normally I will have some level of sympathy for people who die in tragic ways, but when you take it upon yourself to have a blazing row on a railway line, you really are asking to get hit. It's tragic for the families, certainly, but really, if they really were having a domestic in the way of a six-kajillion ton train, the most we've lost is a hairdresser and a mechanic. Bad if your Fiesta breaks down or your fringe goes all frizzy, otherwise no great loss to the world.
That's about it for tonight. More tomorrow.
Goodnight.
Still, it's nice to know we have democracy when we have idiots like this running the country. Gordon Brown says he's 'standing firm' on his economic decisions - well done you rediculous shit. You stand firm and do all your 'strong national leader' posturing while still being too piss scared to call a general election you know you're going to lose, and in the mean time all of us will sit around and not have any fucking money. All of this makes me think that whoever he had as his personal secretary when he was Chancellor must have been bloody terrific, keeping this man's insanely poor grasp of how to keep a country afloat under wraps enough for him to not only maintain his position in the party, but actually become leader of the entire bloody country. I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be rooting for David "Call Me Dave" Cameron and his Hug a Hoodie mob to take over, but I'd rather have him beatboxing through the Commons than five more years of Gordon Brown pissing green alien bile all over the country. I'd rather have anyone, in fact - well, except that lardy Bond villain the BNP have in charge. That fat, greasy one-eyed maniac is probably the best advert for British fascism that us normals could possibly wish for, but he could probably still run a country better than Brown if he didn't want to kill fucking everyone.
Still, Brown can take heart from the fact he's not the only moron in government - Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has decided that the best way to promote inter-cultural tolerance and discussion is to recruit 300 new 'terror police' who's job will be, presumably, to kick in people's doors and occasionally shoot a Brazilian. Surely we have enough detectives investigating terrorism already, without getting uniformed officers going around calling themselves the 'terror police' searching anyone caught wilfully wearing a beard? We seem to be doing fairly well at the whole preventing-terror thing without alienating people further by recruiting hundreds of new police officers with special training that amounts to the phrase "Even though you're a muslim, we really hope you don't bomb us" in five or six languages, amusingly none of them Arabic and two of them in different dialects of German. Now I'm not saying that there aren't people in Britain who are plotting terrorist attacks, to say so would be incredibly naive, but this is not the way to go about tackling them. We already have undercover officers infiltrating terror plots before they can come to fruition, and the thing we need to do now is surely to talk to people in the street instead of training up a new uniformed force with a name straight out of a particularly bad comic book. 'Terror Police' indeed. What's next, 'Beard Patrol'? 'Multicultural Police Strike Force'? 'Rediculous Knee-Jerk Decision Sentinels'?
Neither of the above are as stupid as the couple in my next story - more powerful, so they can cause more damage with the stupidity they have, but not nearly as rediculously backward as to get themselves wiped out by a train because they were too busy having a domestic to realise they were doing it on a main railway line. I know in the heat of the moment you can lose your awareness of where you are and sometimes you might end up screaming at each other in Tescos over which brand of frozen mash medallions to buy while everyone else in the store looks at you like you're completely fucking insane as you pelt each other with packets of Magnums, but if the 13.37 to Liverpool Street was hurtling towards your face at 80 miles an hour, honking it's horn for all it's worth, I think you'd realise and fucking move out of the fucking way. It's a train. It doesn't care about your arguments, it doesn't care how much you never thought he'd lie to you, it doesn't give a shit who he's been calling late at night while you're asleep after a hard day of talking to your friends... it's just a fucking train. Don't get in it's way as it weighs for million tons and if it hits you it will hurt. The argument can wait, even if just for the minute or so it takes to pass by. Bloody hell. Normally I will have some level of sympathy for people who die in tragic ways, but when you take it upon yourself to have a blazing row on a railway line, you really are asking to get hit. It's tragic for the families, certainly, but really, if they really were having a domestic in the way of a six-kajillion ton train, the most we've lost is a hairdresser and a mechanic. Bad if your Fiesta breaks down or your fringe goes all frizzy, otherwise no great loss to the world.
That's about it for tonight. More tomorrow.
Goodnight.
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