Welcome to another edition of The Blandford Examiner, this time coming to you from one of those Linux Live-CD jobbies at nigh on 5 in the morning thanks to Windows Vista going tits-up and me being unable to fumble about in my drawers (ooh-er!) enough to find the installation disc. Now that's dedication for you. Oh well, I've got this installing now and it's working pretty well so far, so I'm happy, and I highly recommend it if, like with me, your Microsoft experience decides to come to an abrupt and largely unexplained end. If not, you're more than welcome to have a fumble in my drawers.
Anyway, today was FA Cup Fourth Round day and I'm sad to say it didn't contain very many shocks. One piss poor team in gold thrashed another one 4 - 1 with Watford losing out to a Wolves team fired on by goals from Andy Keogh, Stephen Elliott and Jay Bothroyd, while the man with the most Irish name in the world, John-Joe O'Toole, scored for the opposition. Elsewhere, Avram Grant's pursuit of exciting football continued to prove fruitless as Chelsea uninspiringly and unsurprisingly beat Wigan 2 - 1, Portsmouth managed to put the same scoreline over Plymouth Argyle and an absolutely woeful Derby side were thumped 4 - 1 by Championship basement boys Preston North End.
Quite what the new American owners of Paul Jewell's dismal shambles think of what they've bought is lost on me, as it's going to take a whole new team by the middle of next week to avoid the drop, and even that might be a bit of a push. Derby's squad was devoid of any sort of talent or class, Robbie Savage looked like either his heart or his legs have gone out of the game and the rest of him barely got into it either, while Hossam Ghaly looked every bit the sort of player that turned down a move to Birmingham not so long ago because he might have to run a bit. Those were the players Jewell has supposedly brought in to improve things, so don't even get me started on the complete shower that was there to start with, as Claude Davis in particular had a shocker that would make Saw IV look like The Muppets Christmas Carol.
The second most interesting story of the day was Arsenal's game against Newcastle, with everyone keen to see how Arsene Wenger's side would react to the 5 - 1 Spur debacle. Gunners striker Emmanuel Adebayor continued to demonstrate his skills on the floor and prove he isn't just a great big head on a stick as he scored twice as the Emirates boys ran out 3 - 0 winners and, for once, it wasn't the Togolese international heading in the goals, it was former Man U midfielder Nicky Butt who scored the third Arsenal goal, which would be a great FA Cup story if he didn't play for Newcastle. If Gael Clichy had made a similar mistake earlier on, the game might have been different, after he headed the ball off the line during a first half where Newcastle created as much as their rivals, only for their highly suspect defence to let them down again, a fact which must be even more galling for Kevin Keegan as it appears that his move for Middlesbrough's Jonathan Woodgate has collapsed as the former Real Madrid man wants a move to Spurs. Personally I think he's making the wrong decision, Spurs have Ledley King - if he can stay fit for more than four seconds - Michael Dawson, Younes Kaboul when he comes good, etc and Woodgate isn't guaranteed a start, something that has frequently led to him leaving clubs in the past. Oh, and they're Spurs. Plus I think Woodgate would be a superb mentor for Steven Taylor, who is surely a future England regular, but oh well.
The biggest story of the day, however, has to be the exertions of minnows Havant & Waterlooville, who went out to Liverpool 5 - 2 at Anfield, but not before putting the wind right up them by going into the lead twice in a performance that will be bittersweet for the non-leaguers, as reportedly the fixture has netted them around £300,000, but will also probably see them lose most of their best performers to League Two or One sides. Obviously, the Liverpool fans are unhappy with their team being given a real scare by a team about 7 leagues and around 130 places below them, and the Scousers have been going mental on the BBC 606 boards, with some of them even beginning to round on Rafa Benitez, and frankly I'm glad that they're starting to agree with my opinion that anyone reckless, stupid or blind enough to spend countless millions of pounds on Vorinin, Kuyt, Pennant, Luis Garcia, Josemi, Zenden, Nunez, Kromkamp, Mark Gonzales, Paletta and so on really shouldn't be trusted by the board with any more money. He's made one or two really good signings, Fernando Torres, and Javier Mascherano the two I can think of, but Torres has been the talk of Europe for a few years now and Mascherano was an established Argentine international before he was shoved into the Upton Park shop window, so both are more a case of checking off Fantasy Football boxes rather than any triumphs of scouting.
That Lucas Leiva looks like he might be a good player, too, and scored a 30-yard screamer today, but then again, how hard can it be for a £40,000-a-week footballer to sidestep a van driver, shimmy past a bin man and slam the ball past a builder's apprentice who earns less than half that in a year?
So, as I said, not many surprises or 'cupsets'. Derby getting thumped by Preston might count as one, but I'm so used to seeing Derby get thumped by everyone they get put in front of that I'm just not surprised by it anymore. They really are rubbish. I reckon my pub team could go out next week and stick four or five past them, and our senior center back can't walk without a cane. Paul Jewell might be one of the most amicable men in football but it's going to take more than a smile and all his reserves of wily Scouse know-how to get Derby off the bottom. Maybe the new owners will pull something out of their sleeve by wednesday - Ronaldinho for Derby anyone? Anyway, tomorrow's fixtures feature the lowest-ranked team still in the competition after the departure of Havant earlier, League Two's Hereford United, taking on Cardiff City, Sheffield United versus a Manchester City team who will be wanting to get back on track and looking for a confidence-boosting win, and the glamour tie of the round, Tottenham vs. Manchester United, which will hopefully end with Wayne Rooney kicking Dimitar Berbatov's alice band off as Ledley King stoves in Cristiano Ronaldo's smug face before launching a career as a heavyweight boxer. I don't know about you but I'd pay to see Ledley King tear it up with David Haye, but given King's record with injuries I think he'd snap a hamstring going through the ropes.
Speaking of David Haye, I had a dream the other day that he completely destroyed Enzo Maccarinelli in the fifth round. Feel free to put a bet on based on the cider-fuelled premonitions of a bloke on the internet, but remember, if you got the tip from here I'm entitled to 50% of your winnings. Or something equally unenforcable.
I'm digressing. But speaking of premonitions, I doubt there will be any shocks in the Cup tomorrow. I think Cardiff will go over Hereford easily and end the magic of the cup for lower league sides for another year, Manchester City will sneak past a dedicated and determined terrier of a Sheffield United team by the odd goal and Spurs will lead Man U at half time, only for the Reds to emerge after a rollicking from Sir Alex and go on to beat them 3 - 1. Fucking hell, this predictions stuff is easy - how much are the BBC paying Mark Lawrenson to do this for them? He got absolutely bugger-all right today, and tomorrow he reckons it'll be Hereford 1, Cardiff 1; Manchester United 2, Tottenham 1 and Sheffield United 0, Manchester City 0. Let's see which one of us is the most right. If I win, I get his job and if he wins, he can come on here and talk to you lot on monday morning.
Goodnight.
Anyway, today was FA Cup Fourth Round day and I'm sad to say it didn't contain very many shocks. One piss poor team in gold thrashed another one 4 - 1 with Watford losing out to a Wolves team fired on by goals from Andy Keogh, Stephen Elliott and Jay Bothroyd, while the man with the most Irish name in the world, John-Joe O'Toole, scored for the opposition. Elsewhere, Avram Grant's pursuit of exciting football continued to prove fruitless as Chelsea uninspiringly and unsurprisingly beat Wigan 2 - 1, Portsmouth managed to put the same scoreline over Plymouth Argyle and an absolutely woeful Derby side were thumped 4 - 1 by Championship basement boys Preston North End.
Quite what the new American owners of Paul Jewell's dismal shambles think of what they've bought is lost on me, as it's going to take a whole new team by the middle of next week to avoid the drop, and even that might be a bit of a push. Derby's squad was devoid of any sort of talent or class, Robbie Savage looked like either his heart or his legs have gone out of the game and the rest of him barely got into it either, while Hossam Ghaly looked every bit the sort of player that turned down a move to Birmingham not so long ago because he might have to run a bit. Those were the players Jewell has supposedly brought in to improve things, so don't even get me started on the complete shower that was there to start with, as Claude Davis in particular had a shocker that would make Saw IV look like The Muppets Christmas Carol.
The second most interesting story of the day was Arsenal's game against Newcastle, with everyone keen to see how Arsene Wenger's side would react to the 5 - 1 Spur debacle. Gunners striker Emmanuel Adebayor continued to demonstrate his skills on the floor and prove he isn't just a great big head on a stick as he scored twice as the Emirates boys ran out 3 - 0 winners and, for once, it wasn't the Togolese international heading in the goals, it was former Man U midfielder Nicky Butt who scored the third Arsenal goal, which would be a great FA Cup story if he didn't play for Newcastle. If Gael Clichy had made a similar mistake earlier on, the game might have been different, after he headed the ball off the line during a first half where Newcastle created as much as their rivals, only for their highly suspect defence to let them down again, a fact which must be even more galling for Kevin Keegan as it appears that his move for Middlesbrough's Jonathan Woodgate has collapsed as the former Real Madrid man wants a move to Spurs. Personally I think he's making the wrong decision, Spurs have Ledley King - if he can stay fit for more than four seconds - Michael Dawson, Younes Kaboul when he comes good, etc and Woodgate isn't guaranteed a start, something that has frequently led to him leaving clubs in the past. Oh, and they're Spurs. Plus I think Woodgate would be a superb mentor for Steven Taylor, who is surely a future England regular, but oh well.
The biggest story of the day, however, has to be the exertions of minnows Havant & Waterlooville, who went out to Liverpool 5 - 2 at Anfield, but not before putting the wind right up them by going into the lead twice in a performance that will be bittersweet for the non-leaguers, as reportedly the fixture has netted them around £300,000, but will also probably see them lose most of their best performers to League Two or One sides. Obviously, the Liverpool fans are unhappy with their team being given a real scare by a team about 7 leagues and around 130 places below them, and the Scousers have been going mental on the BBC 606 boards, with some of them even beginning to round on Rafa Benitez, and frankly I'm glad that they're starting to agree with my opinion that anyone reckless, stupid or blind enough to spend countless millions of pounds on Vorinin, Kuyt, Pennant, Luis Garcia, Josemi, Zenden, Nunez, Kromkamp, Mark Gonzales, Paletta and so on really shouldn't be trusted by the board with any more money. He's made one or two really good signings, Fernando Torres, and Javier Mascherano the two I can think of, but Torres has been the talk of Europe for a few years now and Mascherano was an established Argentine international before he was shoved into the Upton Park shop window, so both are more a case of checking off Fantasy Football boxes rather than any triumphs of scouting.
That Lucas Leiva looks like he might be a good player, too, and scored a 30-yard screamer today, but then again, how hard can it be for a £40,000-a-week footballer to sidestep a van driver, shimmy past a bin man and slam the ball past a builder's apprentice who earns less than half that in a year?
So, as I said, not many surprises or 'cupsets'. Derby getting thumped by Preston might count as one, but I'm so used to seeing Derby get thumped by everyone they get put in front of that I'm just not surprised by it anymore. They really are rubbish. I reckon my pub team could go out next week and stick four or five past them, and our senior center back can't walk without a cane. Paul Jewell might be one of the most amicable men in football but it's going to take more than a smile and all his reserves of wily Scouse know-how to get Derby off the bottom. Maybe the new owners will pull something out of their sleeve by wednesday - Ronaldinho for Derby anyone? Anyway, tomorrow's fixtures feature the lowest-ranked team still in the competition after the departure of Havant earlier, League Two's Hereford United, taking on Cardiff City, Sheffield United versus a Manchester City team who will be wanting to get back on track and looking for a confidence-boosting win, and the glamour tie of the round, Tottenham vs. Manchester United, which will hopefully end with Wayne Rooney kicking Dimitar Berbatov's alice band off as Ledley King stoves in Cristiano Ronaldo's smug face before launching a career as a heavyweight boxer. I don't know about you but I'd pay to see Ledley King tear it up with David Haye, but given King's record with injuries I think he'd snap a hamstring going through the ropes.
Speaking of David Haye, I had a dream the other day that he completely destroyed Enzo Maccarinelli in the fifth round. Feel free to put a bet on based on the cider-fuelled premonitions of a bloke on the internet, but remember, if you got the tip from here I'm entitled to 50% of your winnings. Or something equally unenforcable.
I'm digressing. But speaking of premonitions, I doubt there will be any shocks in the Cup tomorrow. I think Cardiff will go over Hereford easily and end the magic of the cup for lower league sides for another year, Manchester City will sneak past a dedicated and determined terrier of a Sheffield United team by the odd goal and Spurs will lead Man U at half time, only for the Reds to emerge after a rollicking from Sir Alex and go on to beat them 3 - 1. Fucking hell, this predictions stuff is easy - how much are the BBC paying Mark Lawrenson to do this for them? He got absolutely bugger-all right today, and tomorrow he reckons it'll be Hereford 1, Cardiff 1; Manchester United 2, Tottenham 1 and Sheffield United 0, Manchester City 0. Let's see which one of us is the most right. If I win, I get his job and if he wins, he can come on here and talk to you lot on monday morning.
Goodnight.
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