Fucking hell, are you all on strike or something?
How can there be two whole days of such utter tedium that I've actually been reduced to doing - shock, horror - work? When 3/4 of the country is underwater it limits the chances of mischief I suppose. Oh well, time to drag some sort of vicarious enjoyment out of today's news stories. Apparently, the government have mandated that all children from 11 to 14 will have to learn cooking for one hour a week. Pish. Education should be for teaching things they can't learn at home, or by themselves, unless it's at university where you're paying individually to do things like a Bachelor's Degree in Surfing, in which case go right ahead, it's your nine grand. Frankly, if you get to home-leaving age without knowing how to work a toaster or making things go PING! in the microwave, you are a retard and I hope you starve.
In other news, Amy Winehouse has been filmed smoking crack and consuming various other drugs, but then why this is news is beyond me, seeing as we've known she's a heroin-addled drug monkey for quite a long time now, and it shouldn't really come as a surprise to anyone that someone who wears sandals after injecting smack through her toes isn't particularly fussy about being filmed taking a swift toke on the crack pipe. Oh, and Pete Doherty has had a punch-up with a paparazzi. Maybe he's angry that Amy's nicked all his gear. Anyone want to tell me how and why Pete Doherty is still famous? Does he even have a band anymore, or is he solely famous for being a drug-hooked chump who's only contribution to the good of the world will be as compost? Answers on a postcard, with the winner getting a simulated evening with Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse, where I sit you in a small room with a large smoke machine and argue with myself over a loudspeaker in alternating falsetto.
In other news, the Daily Hate has come out and criticised Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger for being 'lucky' with his transfer dealings, and claiming that the Gunners board is the most patient in the country for not sacking him for signing flops and not winning anything. Sheer tosh. Given that Arsenal are one of the lowest-spending (net, as in counting sales as well) clubs in the top half of the Premiership, and yet somehow manage to be the only team seriously challenging Manchester United for the Premier League title - and giving them a right scare in the process, I might add - makes this statement frankly ludicrous. Here's a list of the players they list as Arsene Wenger's worst flops - tell me if you think you'd like to have these flops in your team, if you aren't an Arsenal fan:
Pascal Cygan (£2.1m, Lille)
In a world where Curtis Davies is rated as being worth twelve million quid, Pascal Cygan is no way a flop at just £2.1m, and certainly twice the player of Abdoulaye Diagne-Faye, who Sam Allardyce spent around the same money on during his spell on Tyneside. In terms of £2m center-backs, Cygan did pretty well in a team bursting with defensive talent, with Sol Campbell in his prime, Kolo Toure as one of the best young center-halves in the world, and Phillipe Senderos who was, at the time, showing a lot of promise. 98 games in 4 years and a Premier League winners medal, not bad for a backup player signed for a quarter of the money a certain Graeme Souness once paid for Jean-Alain Boumsong.
Richard Wright (£6m, Ipswich)
This one was, admittedly, a bit silly. Regardless of his form for Ipswich, Richard Wright was not, is not and never has been worth six million quid of anybody's money, but he was a regular fixture in the England squad and we all know how that seems to delude managers into thinking shite goalkeepers are worth time, money and effort (see also: Paul Robinson). To be fair to him, he was immense with Ipswich and nobody could have known he would bottle it so spectacularly at a big club and wind up warming the bench at West Ham, and he would have reinvented himself at Everton - where he moved for £3.5m, recouping over half his transfer fee, after the emergance of Stuart Taylor - had he not done his shoulder in falling out of his loft.
Francis Jeffers (£8m, Everton)
The fox in the box that never actually was, Franny Jeffers is probably the only one on the list of flops that actually was one. Eight million pounds for Jeffers along with six million for Wright probably goes a long way towards explaining why Wenger got burned in terms of buying English players and, well, stopped doing it. The boy must have some sort of aura around him, though, because he's so far convinced seven managers to pay heartily for his services, five of them since leaving Arsenal, so if Wenger is guilty of signing a flop, then so is everyone else who, for whatever reason, decided to give Franny the Fanny 'just one more chance' to see if he can get off his arse and score.
Igors Stepanovs (£1m, Skonto Riga)
Back to my point about expensive center-backs. A million quid is peanuts to a Premiership club, and while he only managed 17 appearances for Arsenal, he was 24 years old when he signed and a million pounds is nothing to spend on a promising center back who was already a first-team regular for his country, even if that country was Latvia. Another for the pile of "flops, if you don't understand the transfer market or just really, really don't like Arsenal".
Jose Antonio Reyes (£16m, Sevilla)
Homesick Jose is hailed as a spectacular flop by most people, both because of his inconsistent performances and his constant yearnings to go home the entire time he was at the club, but if that's the case, then up to around 12 months ago, Cristiano Ronaldo was a flop, as he's made no secret of his desire to return to the Iberian peninsula and has quite openly courted Real Madrid. Jose Antonio was a good player, and definately exciting to watch. The idea that he was a flop in England is a false one, as the fact his transfer didn't work out and so we sold him on for marginally less than we paid for him after three years, 16 goals and the best part of 100 appearances wasn't bad for a player consistently played out of position on the left.
Maybe the Mail doesn't like Arsenal because they're Forrins? I couldn't possibly comment.
Oscar-mocking tomorrow,
Goodbye.
How can there be two whole days of such utter tedium that I've actually been reduced to doing - shock, horror - work? When 3/4 of the country is underwater it limits the chances of mischief I suppose. Oh well, time to drag some sort of vicarious enjoyment out of today's news stories. Apparently, the government have mandated that all children from 11 to 14 will have to learn cooking for one hour a week. Pish. Education should be for teaching things they can't learn at home, or by themselves, unless it's at university where you're paying individually to do things like a Bachelor's Degree in Surfing, in which case go right ahead, it's your nine grand. Frankly, if you get to home-leaving age without knowing how to work a toaster or making things go PING! in the microwave, you are a retard and I hope you starve.
In other news, Amy Winehouse has been filmed smoking crack and consuming various other drugs, but then why this is news is beyond me, seeing as we've known she's a heroin-addled drug monkey for quite a long time now, and it shouldn't really come as a surprise to anyone that someone who wears sandals after injecting smack through her toes isn't particularly fussy about being filmed taking a swift toke on the crack pipe. Oh, and Pete Doherty has had a punch-up with a paparazzi. Maybe he's angry that Amy's nicked all his gear. Anyone want to tell me how and why Pete Doherty is still famous? Does he even have a band anymore, or is he solely famous for being a drug-hooked chump who's only contribution to the good of the world will be as compost? Answers on a postcard, with the winner getting a simulated evening with Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse, where I sit you in a small room with a large smoke machine and argue with myself over a loudspeaker in alternating falsetto.
In other news, the Daily Hate has come out and criticised Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger for being 'lucky' with his transfer dealings, and claiming that the Gunners board is the most patient in the country for not sacking him for signing flops and not winning anything. Sheer tosh. Given that Arsenal are one of the lowest-spending (net, as in counting sales as well) clubs in the top half of the Premiership, and yet somehow manage to be the only team seriously challenging Manchester United for the Premier League title - and giving them a right scare in the process, I might add - makes this statement frankly ludicrous. Here's a list of the players they list as Arsene Wenger's worst flops - tell me if you think you'd like to have these flops in your team, if you aren't an Arsenal fan:
Pascal Cygan (£2.1m, Lille)
In a world where Curtis Davies is rated as being worth twelve million quid, Pascal Cygan is no way a flop at just £2.1m, and certainly twice the player of Abdoulaye Diagne-Faye, who Sam Allardyce spent around the same money on during his spell on Tyneside. In terms of £2m center-backs, Cygan did pretty well in a team bursting with defensive talent, with Sol Campbell in his prime, Kolo Toure as one of the best young center-halves in the world, and Phillipe Senderos who was, at the time, showing a lot of promise. 98 games in 4 years and a Premier League winners medal, not bad for a backup player signed for a quarter of the money a certain Graeme Souness once paid for Jean-Alain Boumsong.
Richard Wright (£6m, Ipswich)
This one was, admittedly, a bit silly. Regardless of his form for Ipswich, Richard Wright was not, is not and never has been worth six million quid of anybody's money, but he was a regular fixture in the England squad and we all know how that seems to delude managers into thinking shite goalkeepers are worth time, money and effort (see also: Paul Robinson). To be fair to him, he was immense with Ipswich and nobody could have known he would bottle it so spectacularly at a big club and wind up warming the bench at West Ham, and he would have reinvented himself at Everton - where he moved for £3.5m, recouping over half his transfer fee, after the emergance of Stuart Taylor - had he not done his shoulder in falling out of his loft.
Francis Jeffers (£8m, Everton)
The fox in the box that never actually was, Franny Jeffers is probably the only one on the list of flops that actually was one. Eight million pounds for Jeffers along with six million for Wright probably goes a long way towards explaining why Wenger got burned in terms of buying English players and, well, stopped doing it. The boy must have some sort of aura around him, though, because he's so far convinced seven managers to pay heartily for his services, five of them since leaving Arsenal, so if Wenger is guilty of signing a flop, then so is everyone else who, for whatever reason, decided to give Franny the Fanny 'just one more chance' to see if he can get off his arse and score.
Igors Stepanovs (£1m, Skonto Riga)
Back to my point about expensive center-backs. A million quid is peanuts to a Premiership club, and while he only managed 17 appearances for Arsenal, he was 24 years old when he signed and a million pounds is nothing to spend on a promising center back who was already a first-team regular for his country, even if that country was Latvia. Another for the pile of "flops, if you don't understand the transfer market or just really, really don't like Arsenal".
Jose Antonio Reyes (£16m, Sevilla)
Homesick Jose is hailed as a spectacular flop by most people, both because of his inconsistent performances and his constant yearnings to go home the entire time he was at the club, but if that's the case, then up to around 12 months ago, Cristiano Ronaldo was a flop, as he's made no secret of his desire to return to the Iberian peninsula and has quite openly courted Real Madrid. Jose Antonio was a good player, and definately exciting to watch. The idea that he was a flop in England is a false one, as the fact his transfer didn't work out and so we sold him on for marginally less than we paid for him after three years, 16 goals and the best part of 100 appearances wasn't bad for a player consistently played out of position on the left.
Maybe the Mail doesn't like Arsenal because they're Forrins? I couldn't possibly comment.
Oscar-mocking tomorrow,
Goodbye.
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