Shite. I hate oversleeping, it drives me mental. I'll make all these gushing flamboyant plans for what I'm going to do with my day, then I'll wake up about four hours too late to do any of them and instead start moaning on and on about my habit of oversleeping to anyone who will listen. Today I missed out on playing football, which is a crying shame as it's probably the one 'outside' thing I look forward to other than things involving a beer garden and a big telly, but who plays football at 10.30 in the morning? It's just not natural. Football is for the afternoon, once you've woken up properly and have had a fried egg butty and about seventeen cups of proper hard tea for strength. Anything else is just blasphemy and I'll have no part in it. Particularly if I'm asleep until midday.
Anyway, news. There's got to be some stuff happening today, as the last few days have been so razor-shittingly dull that if today was another duff'un, I'd have started to worry that I'd woken up in the world of I Am Legend, and the only reason I hadn't noticed was I hadn't been outside long enough to run into one of those hideous creatures. Thankfully, I found some, so for once I actually have something to comment on. In probably the least surprising thing in world politics since Hitler turned out to not be a very nice man dabbling with his watercolours after all, Robert Mugabe's supporters have said they are going to take up arms to stop the opposition taking power, despite the fact they've won about seventy-four different elections in the last couple of months. I don't know who really thought that a mad dictator like Mugabe was just going to step down and give what he thinks is his country by birthright away to some bloke who doesn't agree with him, but whoever they are, they're some sort of collossal prat who should really stop writing about politics as it appears that intelligent debate clearly doesn't agree with them.
Mugabe also goes on to bang on about evil white oppressors again. As opposed to the nice black oppressors like him, who are so much better because they're the same colour as the people they're killing.
Speaking of killing, a woman has become the second person charged with punching a man to death over a supermarket queue in south London. Now I don't know about you, but I don't consider breaking my personal best time for getting my pot of jam past the dead-eyed Sainsbury's assistant enough to even kick up a fuss, let alone start killing people, but I suppose this is London and London is very rapidly turning into something like downtown Mogadishu. So far in the last few weeks we've had punchings, stabbings, shootings and even some dickhead smashing up a bakery in order to kill a bloke who didn't want to fight him in the street. The BNP and UKIP have been going mental talking about how it's the evil forrins causing all the violence but I reckon it's just the standard London fuck-you attitude run amok rather than anything else. London is the only place where I've actually had to get into a physical fight to get on a train, regardless of how busy it is, and the only place where I've seen employed officials refuse to help anyone with an accent different to their own. Londoners hate each other and they definately fucking hate you.
Speaking of twats (there's a theme to my segues today), let's move on to Coldplay. Coldplay singer Chris Martin has left an interview halfway because 'he wasn't enjoying himself' - presumably because the interviewer asked him how he'd managed to make that much money when every single thing he's ever made has been that fucking boring. I know it's a rock megastar's prerogative to storm out of interviews if they don't like what's going on, as well as demand glasses full of certain coloured M&Ms or an amp that goes up to 11, but Chris Martin is not a megastar in any sense of the word - he married a now-irrelevant actress and gave a kid a stupid name, but that does not a megastar make - and Coldplay's music is less the spirit of rock and roll more the sound of sock suspenders and beige.
To combat this, I propose a new law; unless you've actually had to have been hospitalised in the past year because you've overdosed on coke and supermodels, you should legally lose the right to storm out of any interview in a huff. To do so is punishable by five years in prison and having all your records thrown into a chalk pit, because burning them would be too rock and roll for a punishment. At the very least it would stop Chris 'Fucking Boring Miserable Cunt' Martin from storming out of interviews and Pete 'Do I Actually Have a Band Anymore?' Doherty from acting like a rock God despite the fact the last time he released a single was just before the first time he stuck a needle in his arm. If that's Britain's answer to Kurt Cobain we really ought to give up on music altogether.
In terms of general other-news round-up, the NHS is saying that the current boom in body piercing will lead to a mass of cases when they all go green and wrong. Personally I reckon that the current boom in body piercing will lead to a mass of people who look rediculous, which should be more of a dissuasion. Elsewhere, Spain have admitted two children to rehab for mobile phone addiction. Just take the fucking phones away. Oh, and in a stunning example of what really, really isn't newsworthy at all, Wayne and Colleen are spending their first day as a married couple. Yes, that's what tends to happen after a marriage, BBC. How long is this going to go on for? Wayne and Colleen Spend 3,456th Day as Married Couple? If this is our new Posh and Becks we're in real trouble. At least those two weren't actually painful to look at, for the first few years at least.
Meanwhile, new Chelsea boss Big Phil Scolari is trying to sign fucking everyone. No surprise there.
Goodnight.
Edit: Sorry about the lack of Your Say Thursday yesterday, it got to about 10 o'clock and then I just couldn't be fucked. I have no excuse, and I'll arrange a time and date in the stocks for you to come and throw rotten fruit at me for my crime. If I can be fucked.
Anyway, news. There's got to be some stuff happening today, as the last few days have been so razor-shittingly dull that if today was another duff'un, I'd have started to worry that I'd woken up in the world of I Am Legend, and the only reason I hadn't noticed was I hadn't been outside long enough to run into one of those hideous creatures. Thankfully, I found some, so for once I actually have something to comment on. In probably the least surprising thing in world politics since Hitler turned out to not be a very nice man dabbling with his watercolours after all, Robert Mugabe's supporters have said they are going to take up arms to stop the opposition taking power, despite the fact they've won about seventy-four different elections in the last couple of months. I don't know who really thought that a mad dictator like Mugabe was just going to step down and give what he thinks is his country by birthright away to some bloke who doesn't agree with him, but whoever they are, they're some sort of collossal prat who should really stop writing about politics as it appears that intelligent debate clearly doesn't agree with them.
Mugabe also goes on to bang on about evil white oppressors again. As opposed to the nice black oppressors like him, who are so much better because they're the same colour as the people they're killing.
Speaking of killing, a woman has become the second person charged with punching a man to death over a supermarket queue in south London. Now I don't know about you, but I don't consider breaking my personal best time for getting my pot of jam past the dead-eyed Sainsbury's assistant enough to even kick up a fuss, let alone start killing people, but I suppose this is London and London is very rapidly turning into something like downtown Mogadishu. So far in the last few weeks we've had punchings, stabbings, shootings and even some dickhead smashing up a bakery in order to kill a bloke who didn't want to fight him in the street. The BNP and UKIP have been going mental talking about how it's the evil forrins causing all the violence but I reckon it's just the standard London fuck-you attitude run amok rather than anything else. London is the only place where I've actually had to get into a physical fight to get on a train, regardless of how busy it is, and the only place where I've seen employed officials refuse to help anyone with an accent different to their own. Londoners hate each other and they definately fucking hate you.
Speaking of twats (there's a theme to my segues today), let's move on to Coldplay. Coldplay singer Chris Martin has left an interview halfway because 'he wasn't enjoying himself' - presumably because the interviewer asked him how he'd managed to make that much money when every single thing he's ever made has been that fucking boring. I know it's a rock megastar's prerogative to storm out of interviews if they don't like what's going on, as well as demand glasses full of certain coloured M&Ms or an amp that goes up to 11, but Chris Martin is not a megastar in any sense of the word - he married a now-irrelevant actress and gave a kid a stupid name, but that does not a megastar make - and Coldplay's music is less the spirit of rock and roll more the sound of sock suspenders and beige.
To combat this, I propose a new law; unless you've actually had to have been hospitalised in the past year because you've overdosed on coke and supermodels, you should legally lose the right to storm out of any interview in a huff. To do so is punishable by five years in prison and having all your records thrown into a chalk pit, because burning them would be too rock and roll for a punishment. At the very least it would stop Chris 'Fucking Boring Miserable Cunt' Martin from storming out of interviews and Pete 'Do I Actually Have a Band Anymore?' Doherty from acting like a rock God despite the fact the last time he released a single was just before the first time he stuck a needle in his arm. If that's Britain's answer to Kurt Cobain we really ought to give up on music altogether.
In terms of general other-news round-up, the NHS is saying that the current boom in body piercing will lead to a mass of cases when they all go green and wrong. Personally I reckon that the current boom in body piercing will lead to a mass of people who look rediculous, which should be more of a dissuasion. Elsewhere, Spain have admitted two children to rehab for mobile phone addiction. Just take the fucking phones away. Oh, and in a stunning example of what really, really isn't newsworthy at all, Wayne and Colleen are spending their first day as a married couple. Yes, that's what tends to happen after a marriage, BBC. How long is this going to go on for? Wayne and Colleen Spend 3,456th Day as Married Couple? If this is our new Posh and Becks we're in real trouble. At least those two weren't actually painful to look at, for the first few years at least.
Meanwhile, new Chelsea boss Big Phil Scolari is trying to sign fucking everyone. No surprise there.
Goodnight.
Edit: Sorry about the lack of Your Say Thursday yesterday, it got to about 10 o'clock and then I just couldn't be fucked. I have no excuse, and I'll arrange a time and date in the stocks for you to come and throw rotten fruit at me for my crime. If I can be fucked.
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