No news today as the interesting stories of the world seem to have gone into hibernation again, so instead I'm going to bring you some sort of social comment: The internet makes you stupid. Now as you're reading this on the internet and probably don't like being called stupid, I should clarify that statement a little before I press on - if you don't understand the internet, it appears as a huge sabre-toothed killing machine looking to mince little Timmy far more than any other technology or device. It sends people into a frenzy of rediculous overblown technophobia and makes people who have 'the internet' in their homes but have no idea what it is lap up any amount of overblown bullshit that makes them think it's out to kill and rape their children.
But that's too many words. The internet makes you stupid.
My example for today is so ridiculous, so over-the-top and such a blatant act of imaginary scaremongering that I've decided to dedicate an entire post to how fucking ridiculous it is. The example in question is this: 20 Internet Acronyms Every Parent Should Know. I could cover them all at once and get this over with as fast as possible so we can all get back to our weekends, but that would look like I wasn't trying, so you'll have to sit through the whole thing.
Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.
#01: POS (Parents Over Shoulder)
I suppose I shouldn't be in the least bit surprised that the first few entries on the list are all involving keeping secrets from the parents - how else are you going to get them to shit themselves every time their children use a computer? - but this one did tickle me because it already exists as an acronym - Piece Of Shit. Offensive, I suppose, but not really paranoia-inducing, so maybe that's why they decided to make one up instead. Who knows.
#02: PIR (Parents In Room)
The second in a long line here. Maybe I've been off the chatroom 'scene' too long and the text talk lot have really taken over, but whenever I spoke to anyone who felt the need to tell people their parents were there, they'd just say it. They wouldn't resort to acronyms that nobody understands, as people would just ask what it meant anyway. (Though there's more of that later).
#03: P911 (Parent Alert)
How many letter and number combinations do these kids need to tell each other that their parents around? I'd just figured out what 'PIR' means and now they're using some other funny acronym that I don't get - surely they're planning on molesting each other! Quick, pa, get the broom!
#04: PAW (Parents Are Watching)
Those crazy teens. That's four now, all of which I would be completely baffled by. If I was a dirty paedo looking to touch your kids via the internet, right now I'd still be waving my cock at the screen and making grunting noises, thus forever corrupting your children's innocent minds, because I have no fucking idea what any of these mean. Quit making shit up.
#05: PAL (Parents Are Listening)
AAAAARGH!!! Maybe they made up all of these just to pad out the numbers - maybe '17 Internet Acronyms Every Parent Should Know' just isn't dramatic-sounding enough to convey the evil of this new secret children's language (entirely made up by this website, of course). Either way, if I started frantically typing 'PAL' at the end of every sentence, my conversation partners would think I'd suddenly gone all Mafiosi on them - 'Careful you don't get whacked, PAL!'. Morons.
#06: A/S/L (Age/Sex/Location?)
OK, so this one really exists, no qualms from me here. What does amuse me is the fact the laptop in the picture of this one doesn't actually have any programs open, either on the desktop or in the taskbar, so unless Microsoft included a special 'IntelliPaed' patch in the last version of Windows XP, it must be those mind-perverts on the prowl again.
#07: MorF? (Male or Female?)
This one might exist, I'm not sure. I suppose it's existence would make sense, I'm just not sure why it's on this list.
#08: SorG? (Straight or Gay?)
I'm sure why this one is. Quick, the homosexual cabal is coming to seduce your children!
#09: LMIRL (Lets Meet In Real Life)
OK, here's where they start making them up. 'IRL' exists, I'd use it myself if it wasn't such a cliche (what, and all the swearing isn't? -Ed). It's the 'Let's Meet' part that troubles me - I'm no scientist, but I reckon it takes longer to type 'LMIRL' than it does to type 'Lets Meet'. I just did it, and it felt quicker. Perhaps it's some child-devised secret language to ensure they get molested without the parent's knowledge. That's just the sort of jape they're always getting up to, the cheeky little tykes.
#10: KPC (Keeping Parents Clueless)
I was right! Those damn kids are developing their own language to shut us out and make sure they can have sex and shoot drugs without us ever knowing! Or, on the other hand, a website on the internet could be making up acronyms to scare the shit out of you. Make up your own mind. Just remember THEIR LIVES ARE AT STAKE!!!
#11: TD2M (Talk Dirty to Me)
If being completely fucking baffled as to what you're on about gets you off, then you're in for a treat, because I have no idea what you're talking about. I thought TD2M was a robot from Star Wars. Oh well, you live and learn.
#12: IWSN (I Want Sex Now)
Hahaha. Who actually says this? And how fucked up would your kid have to be to go "wow, you want sex? I'll give you sex!" to a fucking acronym? If your daughter is getting her mimsy out because someone typed an 'I Want Sex Now' acronym at her, even if it did exist, the internet is not to blame for the ways you obviously fucked up as a parent.
#13: NIFOC (Nude In Front Of Computer)
Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you're spying over your child's shoulder to see what it is that they're typing into that evil chatroom pit of murder and death, you'd notice if they were naked.
#14: GYPO (Get Your Pants Off)
All this time, there was me thinking that GYPO was merely an offensive term for our Romany Traveller bretheren. As it turns out, it's actually a request to remove your underpants. Is little Suzy being molested by a pervert or just spreading intolerance and racial hatred? You might never know, and you cry yourself to sleep at night because of it. If only you didn't believe The Internet, like a fucking idiot.
#15: ADR (Address)
Alright, I've seen this one on envelopes and form letters, so it does exist, and not solely in the hidden world of the internet pervert with their molesting machine and their big bucket of fried chicken that they're sticking up their bum. I actually can't think of anything to say for this one, so you'll just have to entertain yourselves. GYPO.
#16: WYCM? (Will You Call Me?)
Another one that probably takes longer to type than 'Call Me?' and would probably require an explanation anyway. WTF? isn't on this list but it's definately one that you'd see in response to about 3/4 of these entirely imaginary acronyms.
#17: KFU (Kisses For You)
Maybe I've just been to all the old-fashioned places, but I've only ever seen the good old 'xxx' for representing kisses. See, if I was to take a guess at what 'KFU' meant, I'd think they'd mistyped 'FKU' or meant 'OK Fuck You', so if I was trying to chat someone up through only text, I'd probably stick with the x's. I might even throw in an 'O' or two, but I certainly wouldn't go with KFU, but then I'm not a child molester, so maybe they do it differently.
#18: MOOS (Member Of Opposite Sex)
This has the same number of letters as 'Girl' and one more letter than 'Boy'. Nobody is going to really use this, except so you find it when you go through their internet logs and throw a fit.
#19: MOSS (Member of Same Sex)
Same as above, except less amusing because it puts me less in mind of your child having a sudden mid-conversation attack of presuming they're a cow.
#20: NALOPKT (Not A Lot of People Know This)
If you see this acronym on your child's screen, it's a sure-fire sign that they are being secretly bummed to death by Michael Caine.
So there you have it, the internet makes you stupid. Parents, watch out for the acronyms DTTW (Death To The West), LSSAKP (Let's Shoot Smack and Kill Puppies), FMESUMBR (Fuck My Eye Sockets Until My Brain Ruptures) and IILFATSTSOOMPAMTLMIACFFMHTTK (I Invent Long Fucking Acronyms That Scare The Shit Out Of My Parents And Make Them Lock Me In A Cupboard Forever Feeding Me Homework Through The Keyhole).
Alternatively, you could do some fucking parenting.
Goodnight.
But that's too many words. The internet makes you stupid.
My example for today is so ridiculous, so over-the-top and such a blatant act of imaginary scaremongering that I've decided to dedicate an entire post to how fucking ridiculous it is. The example in question is this: 20 Internet Acronyms Every Parent Should Know. I could cover them all at once and get this over with as fast as possible so we can all get back to our weekends, but that would look like I wasn't trying, so you'll have to sit through the whole thing.
Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.
#01: POS (Parents Over Shoulder)
I suppose I shouldn't be in the least bit surprised that the first few entries on the list are all involving keeping secrets from the parents - how else are you going to get them to shit themselves every time their children use a computer? - but this one did tickle me because it already exists as an acronym - Piece Of Shit. Offensive, I suppose, but not really paranoia-inducing, so maybe that's why they decided to make one up instead. Who knows.
#02: PIR (Parents In Room)
The second in a long line here. Maybe I've been off the chatroom 'scene' too long and the text talk lot have really taken over, but whenever I spoke to anyone who felt the need to tell people their parents were there, they'd just say it. They wouldn't resort to acronyms that nobody understands, as people would just ask what it meant anyway. (Though there's more of that later).
#03: P911 (Parent Alert)
How many letter and number combinations do these kids need to tell each other that their parents around? I'd just figured out what 'PIR' means and now they're using some other funny acronym that I don't get - surely they're planning on molesting each other! Quick, pa, get the broom!
#04: PAW (Parents Are Watching)
Those crazy teens. That's four now, all of which I would be completely baffled by. If I was a dirty paedo looking to touch your kids via the internet, right now I'd still be waving my cock at the screen and making grunting noises, thus forever corrupting your children's innocent minds, because I have no fucking idea what any of these mean. Quit making shit up.
#05: PAL (Parents Are Listening)
AAAAARGH!!! Maybe they made up all of these just to pad out the numbers - maybe '17 Internet Acronyms Every Parent Should Know' just isn't dramatic-sounding enough to convey the evil of this new secret children's language (entirely made up by this website, of course). Either way, if I started frantically typing 'PAL' at the end of every sentence, my conversation partners would think I'd suddenly gone all Mafiosi on them - 'Careful you don't get whacked, PAL!'. Morons.
#06: A/S/L (Age/Sex/Location?)
OK, so this one really exists, no qualms from me here. What does amuse me is the fact the laptop in the picture of this one doesn't actually have any programs open, either on the desktop or in the taskbar, so unless Microsoft included a special 'IntelliPaed' patch in the last version of Windows XP, it must be those mind-perverts on the prowl again.
#07: MorF? (Male or Female?)
This one might exist, I'm not sure. I suppose it's existence would make sense, I'm just not sure why it's on this list.
#08: SorG? (Straight or Gay?)
I'm sure why this one is. Quick, the homosexual cabal is coming to seduce your children!
#09: LMIRL (Lets Meet In Real Life)
OK, here's where they start making them up. 'IRL' exists, I'd use it myself if it wasn't such a cliche (what, and all the swearing isn't? -Ed). It's the 'Let's Meet' part that troubles me - I'm no scientist, but I reckon it takes longer to type 'LMIRL' than it does to type 'Lets Meet'. I just did it, and it felt quicker. Perhaps it's some child-devised secret language to ensure they get molested without the parent's knowledge. That's just the sort of jape they're always getting up to, the cheeky little tykes.
#10: KPC (Keeping Parents Clueless)
I was right! Those damn kids are developing their own language to shut us out and make sure they can have sex and shoot drugs without us ever knowing! Or, on the other hand, a website on the internet could be making up acronyms to scare the shit out of you. Make up your own mind. Just remember THEIR LIVES ARE AT STAKE!!!
#11: TD2M (Talk Dirty to Me)
If being completely fucking baffled as to what you're on about gets you off, then you're in for a treat, because I have no idea what you're talking about. I thought TD2M was a robot from Star Wars. Oh well, you live and learn.
#12: IWSN (I Want Sex Now)
Hahaha. Who actually says this? And how fucked up would your kid have to be to go "wow, you want sex? I'll give you sex!" to a fucking acronym? If your daughter is getting her mimsy out because someone typed an 'I Want Sex Now' acronym at her, even if it did exist, the internet is not to blame for the ways you obviously fucked up as a parent.
#13: NIFOC (Nude In Front Of Computer)
Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you're spying over your child's shoulder to see what it is that they're typing into that evil chatroom pit of murder and death, you'd notice if they were naked.
#14: GYPO (Get Your Pants Off)
All this time, there was me thinking that GYPO was merely an offensive term for our Romany Traveller bretheren. As it turns out, it's actually a request to remove your underpants. Is little Suzy being molested by a pervert or just spreading intolerance and racial hatred? You might never know, and you cry yourself to sleep at night because of it. If only you didn't believe The Internet, like a fucking idiot.
#15: ADR (Address)
Alright, I've seen this one on envelopes and form letters, so it does exist, and not solely in the hidden world of the internet pervert with their molesting machine and their big bucket of fried chicken that they're sticking up their bum. I actually can't think of anything to say for this one, so you'll just have to entertain yourselves. GYPO.
#16: WYCM? (Will You Call Me?)
Another one that probably takes longer to type than 'Call Me?' and would probably require an explanation anyway. WTF? isn't on this list but it's definately one that you'd see in response to about 3/4 of these entirely imaginary acronyms.
#17: KFU (Kisses For You)
Maybe I've just been to all the old-fashioned places, but I've only ever seen the good old 'xxx' for representing kisses. See, if I was to take a guess at what 'KFU' meant, I'd think they'd mistyped 'FKU' or meant 'OK Fuck You', so if I was trying to chat someone up through only text, I'd probably stick with the x's. I might even throw in an 'O' or two, but I certainly wouldn't go with KFU, but then I'm not a child molester, so maybe they do it differently.
#18: MOOS (Member Of Opposite Sex)
This has the same number of letters as 'Girl' and one more letter than 'Boy'. Nobody is going to really use this, except so you find it when you go through their internet logs and throw a fit.
#19: MOSS (Member of Same Sex)
Same as above, except less amusing because it puts me less in mind of your child having a sudden mid-conversation attack of presuming they're a cow.
#20: NALOPKT (Not A Lot of People Know This)
If you see this acronym on your child's screen, it's a sure-fire sign that they are being secretly bummed to death by Michael Caine.
So there you have it, the internet makes you stupid. Parents, watch out for the acronyms DTTW (Death To The West), LSSAKP (Let's Shoot Smack and Kill Puppies), FMESUMBR (Fuck My Eye Sockets Until My Brain Ruptures) and IILFATSTSOOMPAMTLMIACFFMHTTK (I Invent Long Fucking Acronyms That Scare The Shit Out Of My Parents And Make Them Lock Me In A Cupboard Forever Feeding Me Homework Through The Keyhole).
Alternatively, you could do some fucking parenting.
Goodnight.
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