Drinking whisky until four in the morning is a bad idea. This might sound like obvious advice, but it's obvious enough of us aren't realising it so it bears repeating. It leads to antisocial behaviour, headaches, shivers and the typing of blog posts while carefully looking anywhere but the Satanic brightness of the computer screen, so I'm going to apologise for any spelling mistakes in advance before I move on to the usual round of things you probably didn't want to know - you know, the sort of thing that gets into the news, or into your circle of friends, and no matter how disgusting it is, or even because of how disgusting it is, it keeps on doing the rounds, despite how much it makes you feel like you're going to spew last night's kebab all over your desk.
The BBC's entertainment page has done quite well in managing to beat it's death-and-stabbings-filled bretheren (largely because there's only one shooting today, and shootings are boring) for the vom factor this morning, by telling us that Angelina Jolie likes to have sex while pregnant. Now I know that she's some sort of alien mentalist, that much has been clear from the times she admitted shagging her own brother and then moving on to bonking old men, but I didn't need the graphic mental image of Brad Pitt's love-ferret poking his unborn children in the head because his mad bitch of a wife has decided that she likes being humped while the size of a house. "As a woman you're just so round and full," she told Entertainment Weekly magazine in the US, "so you have fun".
And then the interviewer vomited on her face.
Interestingly (OK, it isn't), the article also says that Angelina Jolie is the third most powerful celebrity in the world. Presumably that's only temporary and she'll be moving up to first once she peels off her human skin and reveals herself to be some sort of giant intergalactic eyeball-beast, because no normal human being looks that fucking weird.
Speaking of powerful celebrities, Richard and Judy have put out a book list for summer reading that the BBC is saying will cause the lucky books on said list to fly off the shelves this month, because the Geriatric and her Sex Carer are so rediculously influential on people's choice of reading. Given their fame and the almost deifying worship they get from the middle aged middle classes I can believe that, but you really have got to wonder how and why the two dullest, most insipid people on the face of television are seen as the final arbiters in the decision of what is and isn't a good read. They obviously don't have time to read every single book that comes out to check 'for their faithful viewers' if it's a good read or not, so they're basically just going to be listing books that they've read offhand and reckoned are alright, and if you don't like those genres, you're fucked and might have to actually think for yourself instead of letting Richard and Judy decide everything for you like surrogate fucking parents.
Personally I reckon she likes books about recipes and the past while he likes gentle war novels and child pornography.
As evidenced by my essay on the stupidity of backwards racism yesterday (resulting in a rather bizarre Google search coming up when I started up my computer again, which has now made it's way into the title of this post), there's fuck all going on in the news. All the killers, maimers and other societal cunts have fucked off on holiday, so it seems, and left me with nothing to write about except the fact that the government has left another set of classified documents on a train. What the fuck are they doing? That's about the eighth this year. I take the train twice every weekday and I'm yet to leave anything as much as a crisp packet behind when I get off again, while they seem to have massive lapses of concentration with massively important documents about once every three weeks. I'm no James fucking Bond, but maybe they should employ me to cart these things about instead of the obviously mentally incapable idiots that are doing it at the moment.
Of course, the ones we know about are the ones where the finder of the classified documents has taken them to a paper. We don't know how many have been left behind and found by some bloke who's now sat flicking through them in his living room, laughing at all the people with the surname 'Bumder'.
That's about it, I'm afraid. Oh, and the football's gone all boring again. Today's biggest transfer news is Middlesbrough (it's started bad already - Ed) saying they won't be signing a goalkeeper to replace Mark Schwartzer because they reckon Brad Jones and Ross Turnbull are good enough to fight it out for the number 1 jersey next season. That's a crying shame for Boro, because they aren't. So today's biggest transfer news is someone not being transferred. Bloody hell.
Other than that, I've got to find £500 and a passport from somewhere so I can go to New York in September. That's a lot of money, but it is after all the place with the highest concentration of Nice Jewish Girls in the world, so I guess I'll be going then.
Enjoy your Sunday.
Goodnight.
The BBC's entertainment page has done quite well in managing to beat it's death-and-stabbings-filled bretheren (largely because there's only one shooting today, and shootings are boring) for the vom factor this morning, by telling us that Angelina Jolie likes to have sex while pregnant. Now I know that she's some sort of alien mentalist, that much has been clear from the times she admitted shagging her own brother and then moving on to bonking old men, but I didn't need the graphic mental image of Brad Pitt's love-ferret poking his unborn children in the head because his mad bitch of a wife has decided that she likes being humped while the size of a house. "As a woman you're just so round and full," she told Entertainment Weekly magazine in the US, "so you have fun".
And then the interviewer vomited on her face.
Interestingly (OK, it isn't), the article also says that Angelina Jolie is the third most powerful celebrity in the world. Presumably that's only temporary and she'll be moving up to first once she peels off her human skin and reveals herself to be some sort of giant intergalactic eyeball-beast, because no normal human being looks that fucking weird.
Speaking of powerful celebrities, Richard and Judy have put out a book list for summer reading that the BBC is saying will cause the lucky books on said list to fly off the shelves this month, because the Geriatric and her Sex Carer are so rediculously influential on people's choice of reading. Given their fame and the almost deifying worship they get from the middle aged middle classes I can believe that, but you really have got to wonder how and why the two dullest, most insipid people on the face of television are seen as the final arbiters in the decision of what is and isn't a good read. They obviously don't have time to read every single book that comes out to check 'for their faithful viewers' if it's a good read or not, so they're basically just going to be listing books that they've read offhand and reckoned are alright, and if you don't like those genres, you're fucked and might have to actually think for yourself instead of letting Richard and Judy decide everything for you like surrogate fucking parents.
Personally I reckon she likes books about recipes and the past while he likes gentle war novels and child pornography.
As evidenced by my essay on the stupidity of backwards racism yesterday (resulting in a rather bizarre Google search coming up when I started up my computer again, which has now made it's way into the title of this post), there's fuck all going on in the news. All the killers, maimers and other societal cunts have fucked off on holiday, so it seems, and left me with nothing to write about except the fact that the government has left another set of classified documents on a train. What the fuck are they doing? That's about the eighth this year. I take the train twice every weekday and I'm yet to leave anything as much as a crisp packet behind when I get off again, while they seem to have massive lapses of concentration with massively important documents about once every three weeks. I'm no James fucking Bond, but maybe they should employ me to cart these things about instead of the obviously mentally incapable idiots that are doing it at the moment.
Of course, the ones we know about are the ones where the finder of the classified documents has taken them to a paper. We don't know how many have been left behind and found by some bloke who's now sat flicking through them in his living room, laughing at all the people with the surname 'Bumder'.
That's about it, I'm afraid. Oh, and the football's gone all boring again. Today's biggest transfer news is Middlesbrough (it's started bad already - Ed) saying they won't be signing a goalkeeper to replace Mark Schwartzer because they reckon Brad Jones and Ross Turnbull are good enough to fight it out for the number 1 jersey next season. That's a crying shame for Boro, because they aren't. So today's biggest transfer news is someone not being transferred. Bloody hell.
Other than that, I've got to find £500 and a passport from somewhere so I can go to New York in September. That's a lot of money, but it is after all the place with the highest concentration of Nice Jewish Girls in the world, so I guess I'll be going then.
Enjoy your Sunday.
Goodnight.
No comments:
Post a Comment