Today has gone pretty well, all things considered. Despite the fact I woke up with thighs aching like they were missing a long-lost lover and the backs of my heels look like I have the beginnings of a nasty case of stigmata, I received probably the best piece of information I've heard in months. It could have been better, Mariska Hargitay (is it me, or do you have a burgeoning obsession for women who could quite easily kick your arse? - Ed) could have turned up on my doorstep declaring an almost nymphomaniacal lust for slightly hairy Jewish bloggers that just needed to be satistifed right now and she wasn't going to take no for an answer, but staying within the confines of reality instead of my endless realms of depravity, it was just the fact that Hillary Clinton has apparently lost the race for the Democratic nomination in the US elections come November.
Good. The completely mental bitch.
Her relentless campaign to ban everything fun in the entire universe (music, games, porn) and lock up anyone with the audacity to buy anything for their kids other than the Bible or Paper Mario probably wasn't the thing that did her in, and it was probably more her copious lying and exaggeration at every corner, but at least it looks like she's going to have fucked off by the weekend. Of course, now it looks like we're going to get the first serious black candidate for the United States Presidency, there's going to be a whole new breed of nutjobs coming out of the woodwork, and with Senator McCain and his health problems on the Republican side, it could well come down to which candidate manages to outlive the other. Oh well, gentlemen, start your sweepstakes. My money's on a McCain win.
My second story tonight is the nailing of a pig's head to a Muslim community center in Cornwall. Now obviously this his horribly wrong and completely illegal, and a heinous affront to peace and community relations, but you've got to admire the sheer Godfather factor of it, haven't you? Our local bigots just turn up with the odd sign, not something they've nicked off the butchers. The Cornish Nationalists are apparently trying to drive out the Muslim community in much the same way as they're trying to drive out everyone else who isn't Cornish, so it's not so much race related as someone somewhere going for maximum offence and getting it dead on, but the police are still treating it as a racial offence. One has to wonder why the Muslims want to live in Cornwall anyway - I mean, the scenery's nice and everything, but it's full of mentals nailing bits of offal to your house. I'd much rather go somewhere where the local bigots just shout at you a bit, in exchange for better supermarket facilities and less feeling like you're somewhere between Narnia and Royston Vasey.
In sport - because there's fuck-all else going on, as everyone from politicians to the dreaded Euro 2008 'WAGs' (an appropriate tag, seeing as they're all fucking dogs - Ed) is hiding from the constant shitting rain - it's all gone a bit swings and roundabouts, with the Man from Del Monte fucking off to Inter, Inter's old boss Mancini being touted to take over at Chelsea after number one target Mark Hughes went to Man City to replace former Chelsea target Sven-Goran Eriksson, who's fucked off to manage Mexico. If that isn't complicated enough for you, Mourinho is reportedly planning to return to old side Chelsea to nick all their best players, meanwhile his old old side Porto have been booted out of the Champions League for match fixing back when he was in charge in 2003/04 - not that he had anything to do with it, obviously - while managerless Blackburn have decided they can't be fucked appointing anyone at all just yet. Allardyce is being touted for it but I think that's a bit of a sideways step for a club like Blackburn, who should be looking to kick on with someone who can add to the squad full of attacking flair they've already got, not sign Kevin Davies and kick it his head season after season.
Still, what do I know? I'm just a man with achy legs.
Finally, I knew it, I fucking knew it. Drinking is good for you. Fuck you, patronising 'units' adverts and that one with the multi-voiced madman at the pub from Hell.
Goodnight.
Good. The completely mental bitch.
Her relentless campaign to ban everything fun in the entire universe (music, games, porn) and lock up anyone with the audacity to buy anything for their kids other than the Bible or Paper Mario probably wasn't the thing that did her in, and it was probably more her copious lying and exaggeration at every corner, but at least it looks like she's going to have fucked off by the weekend. Of course, now it looks like we're going to get the first serious black candidate for the United States Presidency, there's going to be a whole new breed of nutjobs coming out of the woodwork, and with Senator McCain and his health problems on the Republican side, it could well come down to which candidate manages to outlive the other. Oh well, gentlemen, start your sweepstakes. My money's on a McCain win.
My second story tonight is the nailing of a pig's head to a Muslim community center in Cornwall. Now obviously this his horribly wrong and completely illegal, and a heinous affront to peace and community relations, but you've got to admire the sheer Godfather factor of it, haven't you? Our local bigots just turn up with the odd sign, not something they've nicked off the butchers. The Cornish Nationalists are apparently trying to drive out the Muslim community in much the same way as they're trying to drive out everyone else who isn't Cornish, so it's not so much race related as someone somewhere going for maximum offence and getting it dead on, but the police are still treating it as a racial offence. One has to wonder why the Muslims want to live in Cornwall anyway - I mean, the scenery's nice and everything, but it's full of mentals nailing bits of offal to your house. I'd much rather go somewhere where the local bigots just shout at you a bit, in exchange for better supermarket facilities and less feeling like you're somewhere between Narnia and Royston Vasey.
In sport - because there's fuck-all else going on, as everyone from politicians to the dreaded Euro 2008 'WAGs' (an appropriate tag, seeing as they're all fucking dogs - Ed) is hiding from the constant shitting rain - it's all gone a bit swings and roundabouts, with the Man from Del Monte fucking off to Inter, Inter's old boss Mancini being touted to take over at Chelsea after number one target Mark Hughes went to Man City to replace former Chelsea target Sven-Goran Eriksson, who's fucked off to manage Mexico. If that isn't complicated enough for you, Mourinho is reportedly planning to return to old side Chelsea to nick all their best players, meanwhile his old old side Porto have been booted out of the Champions League for match fixing back when he was in charge in 2003/04 - not that he had anything to do with it, obviously - while managerless Blackburn have decided they can't be fucked appointing anyone at all just yet. Allardyce is being touted for it but I think that's a bit of a sideways step for a club like Blackburn, who should be looking to kick on with someone who can add to the squad full of attacking flair they've already got, not sign Kevin Davies and kick it his head season after season.
Still, what do I know? I'm just a man with achy legs.
Finally, I knew it, I fucking knew it. Drinking is good for you. Fuck you, patronising 'units' adverts and that one with the multi-voiced madman at the pub from Hell.
Goodnight.
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