Every now and then, something happens to make you wonder if, against everything you have ever believed, the Daily Express might just be close to being right about something. It's a soul-rocking revelation and one that can shake you to your very core, but sometimes, someone just comes out with something so ridiculously, so fundamentally over-the-top in terms of 'tolerance' and 'understanding' that it makes the right-wing ravings of a paper who's sole claim to relevance is being cheaper than the Daily Mail (so you can get your fix of hatred for LESS!) seem slightly more correct than they by all rights should be.
Today that thing is this. An aide to London Mayor Boris Johnson was forced to resign yesterday over a 'racist comment aimed at Britain's ethnic minorities'. That comment, which you might believe from that statement to be more along the lines of 'nigger nigger nigger, out out out', was in fact, in reference to claims that some black people might leave the country if Boris was elected Mayor, "Let them go if they don't like it here". I fail to see the racism.
First of all, if you are stupid enough to want to leave a country because of who's elected to run a city, you're an idiot. If you don't like the fact that Boris Johnson is London mayor, move to Essex, or Kent, or anywhere else in the country, the vast majority of which is not run by Boris Johnson. There's no need to start crossing borders. I wouldn't live in London under any circumstances, but that doesn't make me want to leave the country entirely - that would be far too much fucking effort just for a rather tame political statement.
Second of all, if you don't like it in Britain, then leave. That doesn't just go for immigrants, ethnic minorities or any other easily-offended group that you can pull out to justify your arguments that such a statement is racist, it goes for everyone, and it isn't one of those aggressive "you're either with us or against us" statements, it's just a gentle word of advice: If you are living somewhere which is abhorrent to you, it's a good idea to move, to stop things getting so bad that you start vomiting blood out of your eyes with the sheer hatred for everything that surrounds you. My suggestion would be Spain - it's warm, they have a 2 hour Government-mandated nap in the middle of the day and all the women look like Penelope Cruz. Alright, so they have the second-highest incidence of AIDS in Europe, but when they all look like Penelope Cruz those odds suddenly don't look all that bad.
You could go to Iran, I suppose, where there's a chance they all look like Shappi Khorsandi, but even if they did they'd chop your hands off for touching her, and having limbs lopped off for a good grope (or even a bad one) just isn't worth it.
But still, my point stands - it's not racist to suggest that if people don't like where they are living, perhaps they should try somewhere else. Perhaps some people genuinely beleive that every time someone of an 'ethnic minority' complains, everyone else should jump to attention to fix this terrible wrong. What if two ethnic minorities clash? Would the world explode? I'm going to start demanding everything in Sainsbury's be Kosher or I'll leave the country. That'll get 'em.
Anyway, Wimbledon apparently gets underway today, so that'll be a few million people munching strawberries and using a thin veil of incredibly boring sport to cover up their hours of staring at either Nadal's forearms or Sharapova's arse. It's not like you'd actually go to watch the tennis unless you were some sort of massive-necked masochist, which surely can't make up the entire demographic of Wimbledon watchers - the rest are just perverts. Frankly I've never seen the appeal of women tennis players - to me they all either look like albino giraffes in silly shorts or heads on sticks with tiny flailing arms. The idea of some nine foot tall giantess who weighs nine and a half grams and likes to hit balls with a great fuck-off webbed stick is not an erotic one.
Still, I think my theory about Wimbledon is borne out by the fact the number one story isn't about the actual tennis (because let's face it, it's fucking boring) but about the fact Sharapova will be wearing 'boy shorts' and not a frilly little skirt.
Earth-shattering revelations on the part of the Daily Express.
Also in there today is Sir Paul McCartney banging on about how we should all stop eating meat because it's better for the environment. Sir Paul has obviously never been locked in a small windowless room with a man with a penchant for asparagus. It isn't better for your personal fucking environment, let me tell you. Go back to making shit albums that people only buy because you used to be in the Beatles.
At least he isn't fucking Coldplay, who have now topped the British charts in a damning summary of the complete dull shit awfulness of British music at the moment. Coldplay really are the most boring, insipid, limp-wristed excuse for rock that has ever been shat out of Simon Cowell's horrific musical anus and, much as I try not to, I truly do harbour a deep, unshakable desire for them all to die quietly and uninterestingly lest they go down as 'rock legends' if they all plowed into a tree or something. Plus 'uninterestingly' is just how Coldplay do things.
Maybe Amy Winehouse could give Chris Martin a bit of a snog and give him Emphysema, which she now apparently has. I'm still not sure how that's news, given that JUNKIE SMOKING CRACK ALL DAY GETS BAD LUNGS is probably the most obvious headline possible short of 'Man Breathing In Breathes Out Again', but I'd still shag her over that scrawny albino mouse that the Coldplay singer's sticking it to. It'd be a step up for him, you know, before she coughed blood all over the carpet.
To be fair, that would even put me off my stroke.
Finally, a company in the UK has launched a website where you can buy the contraceptive pill over the internet, without the need to go to a doctor. Frankly I would have thought it would be un-understanding parents more than doctors you'd live in fear of, so sending the things to your house is probably not a goer of an idea, but I've never been in the situation of buying them so I wouldn't know.
I am, however, developing a similar, more direct product in the online contraception market. Basically, you fit it to the front of your computer, and when you press a button, it kicks you down the stairs.
Goodnight.
Edit: Amy Winehouse's dad has come out saying that his daughter will recover completely from emphysema, 'provided she stops smoking'.
So who's got 'Dead by Christmas' in the sweepstake?
Today that thing is this. An aide to London Mayor Boris Johnson was forced to resign yesterday over a 'racist comment aimed at Britain's ethnic minorities'. That comment, which you might believe from that statement to be more along the lines of 'nigger nigger nigger, out out out', was in fact, in reference to claims that some black people might leave the country if Boris was elected Mayor, "Let them go if they don't like it here". I fail to see the racism.
First of all, if you are stupid enough to want to leave a country because of who's elected to run a city, you're an idiot. If you don't like the fact that Boris Johnson is London mayor, move to Essex, or Kent, or anywhere else in the country, the vast majority of which is not run by Boris Johnson. There's no need to start crossing borders. I wouldn't live in London under any circumstances, but that doesn't make me want to leave the country entirely - that would be far too much fucking effort just for a rather tame political statement.
Second of all, if you don't like it in Britain, then leave. That doesn't just go for immigrants, ethnic minorities or any other easily-offended group that you can pull out to justify your arguments that such a statement is racist, it goes for everyone, and it isn't one of those aggressive "you're either with us or against us" statements, it's just a gentle word of advice: If you are living somewhere which is abhorrent to you, it's a good idea to move, to stop things getting so bad that you start vomiting blood out of your eyes with the sheer hatred for everything that surrounds you. My suggestion would be Spain - it's warm, they have a 2 hour Government-mandated nap in the middle of the day and all the women look like Penelope Cruz. Alright, so they have the second-highest incidence of AIDS in Europe, but when they all look like Penelope Cruz those odds suddenly don't look all that bad.
You could go to Iran, I suppose, where there's a chance they all look like Shappi Khorsandi, but even if they did they'd chop your hands off for touching her, and having limbs lopped off for a good grope (or even a bad one) just isn't worth it.
But still, my point stands - it's not racist to suggest that if people don't like where they are living, perhaps they should try somewhere else. Perhaps some people genuinely beleive that every time someone of an 'ethnic minority' complains, everyone else should jump to attention to fix this terrible wrong. What if two ethnic minorities clash? Would the world explode? I'm going to start demanding everything in Sainsbury's be Kosher or I'll leave the country. That'll get 'em.
Anyway, Wimbledon apparently gets underway today, so that'll be a few million people munching strawberries and using a thin veil of incredibly boring sport to cover up their hours of staring at either Nadal's forearms or Sharapova's arse. It's not like you'd actually go to watch the tennis unless you were some sort of massive-necked masochist, which surely can't make up the entire demographic of Wimbledon watchers - the rest are just perverts. Frankly I've never seen the appeal of women tennis players - to me they all either look like albino giraffes in silly shorts or heads on sticks with tiny flailing arms. The idea of some nine foot tall giantess who weighs nine and a half grams and likes to hit balls with a great fuck-off webbed stick is not an erotic one.
Still, I think my theory about Wimbledon is borne out by the fact the number one story isn't about the actual tennis (because let's face it, it's fucking boring) but about the fact Sharapova will be wearing 'boy shorts' and not a frilly little skirt.
Earth-shattering revelations on the part of the Daily Express.
Also in there today is Sir Paul McCartney banging on about how we should all stop eating meat because it's better for the environment. Sir Paul has obviously never been locked in a small windowless room with a man with a penchant for asparagus. It isn't better for your personal fucking environment, let me tell you. Go back to making shit albums that people only buy because you used to be in the Beatles.
At least he isn't fucking Coldplay, who have now topped the British charts in a damning summary of the complete dull shit awfulness of British music at the moment. Coldplay really are the most boring, insipid, limp-wristed excuse for rock that has ever been shat out of Simon Cowell's horrific musical anus and, much as I try not to, I truly do harbour a deep, unshakable desire for them all to die quietly and uninterestingly lest they go down as 'rock legends' if they all plowed into a tree or something. Plus 'uninterestingly' is just how Coldplay do things.
Maybe Amy Winehouse could give Chris Martin a bit of a snog and give him Emphysema, which she now apparently has. I'm still not sure how that's news, given that JUNKIE SMOKING CRACK ALL DAY GETS BAD LUNGS is probably the most obvious headline possible short of 'Man Breathing In Breathes Out Again', but I'd still shag her over that scrawny albino mouse that the Coldplay singer's sticking it to. It'd be a step up for him, you know, before she coughed blood all over the carpet.
To be fair, that would even put me off my stroke.
Finally, a company in the UK has launched a website where you can buy the contraceptive pill over the internet, without the need to go to a doctor. Frankly I would have thought it would be un-understanding parents more than doctors you'd live in fear of, so sending the things to your house is probably not a goer of an idea, but I've never been in the situation of buying them so I wouldn't know.
I am, however, developing a similar, more direct product in the online contraception market. Basically, you fit it to the front of your computer, and when you press a button, it kicks you down the stairs.
Goodnight.
Edit: Amy Winehouse's dad has come out saying that his daughter will recover completely from emphysema, 'provided she stops smoking'.
So who's got 'Dead by Christmas' in the sweepstake?
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